A $20 Bill for Two Cents That No One Asked For.

"...should a person continue to be “fun and zesty” when their partner stops showing them love, attention, respect? Should a person consistently lay aside their personal needs to maintain a “FUN AND ZESTY” front so that their partner isn’t driven to cheating out of boredom? It takes two people to allow a relationship to grow “stale and monotonous,” and rather than running out for a replacement piece, why not focus your efforts on rebuilding the half that you let disintegrate?"

--Kate, as published on Thought Catalog

I am so frustrated right now that I don't even know where to start.  This hit so close to home that it's really hard for me to turn my back on it. The rage is growing. It's not in my head though, it's more of a body rage. I guess I'm starting to be able to separate emotional thinking and logical thinking a lot better than I used to. Emotionally I am furious. Logically, rationally, I know there is no point in letting this get to me. But also, I am feeling a little bit of self-loathing at the moment because I'm fighting The Blerch today and very much losing. I know I should run. I know I should find out where the gym is and go torture myself for hours. I need to. I have a deadline. But there's some self-defeating core inside of me that thinks, "Nah, you'll be okay. Besides, to hell with it, if you fail the weighin, you'll get out of the military and still get your GI bill because it's been over three years." I hate to justify things like this, but... I really don't want to run. And I hate dieting. Being so concerned with my weight because I have to sucks all enjoyment out of anything physical. I have such a rebellious nature that I'm more likely to stuff myself with fried anything and cheesecake until the weigh ins than do the 'right' thing just because it pisses me off that the demand is coming from an outside source.

Anyways, that was a helluva tangent. But I've got these two topics swirling around my head and intermingling and I'm frustrated with the world and fed up with myself, and usually when I start feeling that way the best thing I can do is take a nap. Or smoke and eat chocolate. The above article, and that quote in particular, means way more to me than it should. I need to stop and focus on the good things in my life right now. Must remember.

"I used to think that letting go meant losing something. But one day it was explained to me, that letting go just means making space for better things."

I miss my Karma. But I'll be home soon enough. And home is a good place to be now.  

Ding!

Ding! Level 2 at Life. I've had one death so far, but I account that to my duty day. I should have hopped on the web and updated HabitRPG, but I didn't. Oops. But hey, moral of the story, this app is pretty darn cool. I don't know if it's necessarily helping me really get things done and form better habits, but it's fun to use and it kind of helps me stay organized. I have always been a list maker and graph lover, and this turns it all into a game.

Part of the reason I was so productive today is because I'll be heading out of town tomorrow at the buttcrack of 5 am. Semi Sad Face. I will miss home and everyone in it, but I am going off to the dark land of the Navy [read: 'Norfolk'] to learn about antennas and satellites. Fun Stuff. Aside from that I don't really have a whole lot to write about. I cleaned a lot, even though my back blew out again. I've been toying with Gabapentin, and it seems to be helping the nerve pain a bit... but of course, it's not designed to take on 'actual' pain, which I have a bit of as well. 

+1 to Constitution

So, geek stuff first, then on to plant stuff.

I have some massive ADD. Mine generally manifests internally; I don't so much have the hyperactivity, just the racing thoughts and distractability. I also have a touch of the OCD:  I love charts, graphs, lists, and apps. So, today I found a great way to improve my life while also staying positive and having a bit of fun. HabitRPG is an online tool with mobile app accessibility that allows you to create goals, daily routines, and habits you want to improve upon. It's built off the RPG model, with exp, health, upgrades, avatars, etc. You can also customize rewards for yourself and tag tasks to organize them. I'm still exploring all the functions, but I HIGHLY recommend it so far! I'm actually racking up exp just for writing this blog post. teehee.

Spent most of today browsing really nifty lighting, storage, and gardening ideas. And other cool DIY stuff like this neat up-cycled photo frame. Y'all know I am a geek for photos and old things, so this would be a great way to put up some more pictures... once we have a room for it. I can't wait for this house thing to happen... I am going to go nuts. In the best way, of course.

So, the Plant That Wouldn't Die. Still isn't dying. I got it really close this time, probably partially due to my tendancy to overwater. I still don't know what the hell it is. Almost all of my other plants have gone on to the great greenhouse in the sky, unfortunately, and I've come to the conclusion that right now I just don't really have the time or focus to keep up with gardening. It's a damn shame because I really do enjoy it. But, I have tried to incorporate some 'hardy' plants into my house in hopes that... I won't kill them. The hanging basket is a variation of English Ivy, which I believe is 'Mint Kolbiri'. Also, Orchids are all the rage here, they're for sale in practically every Safeway and WalMart around. I finally caved and brought one home. After reading the care instructions, I am pretty confident that I won't kill it off. I layered pebbles, cactus dirt, and sheet moss in a pretty glass dish to replant it and am quite pleased with the effect. Now if only I had a nice sanctuary in which to set up a zen corner. 

'And what do we say to Death?'
'Not Today.'

 

I've also added some Lucky Bamboo to my bathroom, a plant I have been dying to buy for quite some time now. Next to that you'll see some dried Eucalyptus, another favorite. It's toxic to kitties, so I have to be careful where I put it. One of my favorite arrangements, or decorations, or whatever you want to call it, is the one below on the right. It's kind of a long story, but it's got a lot of sentimental value. Reader's Digest version: when I was a kid, my dad brought home a 105mm Howitzer shell from work, which I used as a piggy bank. A couple years ago I asked if he could still get them,  and he sneakily and quickly responded simply by sending me one for Christmas. I wasn't quite sure what to do with it, until one day I got the bright idea to stuff it with the Eucalyptus. [Next to it is a shell from the clip for one of the smaller guns used on the AC-130s, but I'm not sure which one]

aaaaaaand, no day is complete without achieving your recommended dosage of kitty cuteness. I wish I had gotten a shot when he first came home because he has grown some, but it will be great to compare when he gets older!

Outer Peace

For the past couple months, "sleeping in" on the weekends means waking up around 7 or 8 am and lounging in bed for a few hours, mucking about the internet and cuddling. Although I always loved sleeping in--sometimes I would sleep well into the afternoon--it wasn't really healthy for me. I get a little irritated now that  7 am on Saturday rolls around and I'm wide awake... but as I sit here in a cuteness sandwich, surrounded on all sides by beings that absolutely adore me, I am very glad and thankful that I am awake to appreciate it. My kitten is non-stop cuddles and purrs, and she is adorable. My new additions are resting and also adorable and cuddly. My home is now a place of happiness and comfort, and it is AWESOME. I never knew what I was missing. I didn't know life could be this way, and I am very happy to be able to experience this. Even though it took some trying times to reach this point, I have had some great milestones along the way, including meeting some wonderful new people. I probably should be 'using this quiet time efficiently' and getting some things done around the house, but I think I'll just enjoy this a little more.

In other news, I am insanely excited for some upcoming prospects... Long story short, in the near-ish future [the foreseable year] I will likely be moving into a large house with amazing people. And the plus is, we won't be renting. So this blog will erupt with my exploits into renovation and DIY wonderfulness. Stay Tuned.

2014: the year of Renewing, Reviewing, and Revisiting.

2014 is also the year of divorces amongst my people. But aside from that. I've been dealing with a lot of things and going through a lot of changes, and as such, blogginess has sadly fallen to the back burner. So like any good woman, it's time to get back in the kitchen and cook some -ish up before things get charred and burnt [sorry, work joke].

So. There's some things I can discuss freely and some things I can't just yet. But let it be known to the world that I am happy, safe, and sound. And much much better after a period of relative darkness. You know how after a while in the dark, your eyes adjust to night vision, and if you're lucky, you don't even know you're in the dark anymore? That's sort of a metaphor for what happened to me emotionally. However, someone held a lantern up and I saw the light at the end of the tunnel. With a little encouraging, I was able to take a step towards it. Then a giant leap. Now I'd say I'm nearly there, working at a slow but steady pace.

I'm working on it, okay?

So, less metaphorical and more specific. This specific revamping struck me after another small step into my past. [I'll explain that later] I went back to hot yoga. Oh, how I missed it. And I will not say I'm "out of shape" because we all have different shapes, but apt to the venue, let's call it "out of practice." Heh, yoga joke. That made me realize, I'm also out of practice on writing. And I am having so many thoughts and ideas these days that I really should get back into it. Thus, this post was born. Now, it did take me a good two days to get around to writing it, and I hope to remedy this delay in the future. But the next few weeks are going to be pretty hectic and stressful, so it may take a few attempts before I am updating regularly again. [assuming anyone besides my wonderful Auntie is interested in following my exploits, teehee!]

...in case you needed an injection
of your daily dose of cuteness

So. I forget the actual word that's on my mind [PS there's a word for that, too]** But I know it starts with the prefix RE. Returning? It's not retrograde, because that generally has a more negative connotation. But I have been putting a lot of work into understanding myself and my life, and coming up with some answers I spent years ignoring. I am not only adhering to my medication, but also embracing my life as a whole. This means LOTS of previously absent self-care. I lost who I was along the way and became someone I never thought I'd be, and never wanted to. So, definitely something with the prefix re-. I am looking back at the past to the times where I know I was happy [some times, up to 6-10 years ago! Thank you, dysthymia...] and working on getting elements of those times back into my life. Crafting. Gardening. Learning. Writing. Yoga. Running. Gaming. Loving. Cooking. Kitties. Organizing. I have earned my karma... as the saying goes, sometimes "you have to know the darkness before you can appreciate the light."

Some of these you'll notice are not new themes for me. However, I am making them a higher priority now. As someone close to me repeatedly reminds me, "You have to help/take care of yourself before you can help/take care of other people." And helping and taking care of other people does bring me a lot of joy, too. I am much happier now. Exponentially, even.

**PS. For the dirty lexophiles who care, this is that word:

For more free vocabulary lessons, as well as touching, uplifting, and completely depressing thoughts, I HIGHLY suggest you check out Word Porn on Facebook.