Rough Draft [squeeee]

I am ridiculously proud of this essay... and it's still only in draft mode. Rough Draft 2.1 to be exact. Brought 2.0 to class, took more notes and edits, input the notes and revisions from the last page forward. That is 2.1. Now I am going to take a break, feed my tum [has been bothering me lately], etc. When I come back to my computer, I will read top-down for cohesiveness and clarity, and make adjustments where I can. I know some of the sentances are broken. I know some of the words don't make sense. I have found that the more I embrace myself--in everything--the better the results are. I saw it with biphasic sleep patterns [fighting them means 4-5 hrs a day, vs. 2x4 hrs], I see it when I get the cleaning-ADD [flit around from one mess to the next, randomly do dishes, but get distracted by the mess on the floor, etc]. At this point in life I am learning to a) find the flow within my life and b) roll with the flow instead of try swimming up stream [my spirit animal is crow, not salmon! jk] What I mean is, I have begun embracing my own writing style and process, and I can already tell a huge difference between this essay and the last. I think I understand what Mr. Z meant about taking authority and writing with it. Of course I know what I'm talking about, and I am trying to share it with all of you wonderful people. It's just that at this point, not all the pieces are there yet. It's still rough around the edges.

I make such a point of stating this because I want to share this essay. So badly. But thanks to the culture of trolls, I am skeptical of posting it. I like to think that I have thick enough skin to handle criticism, but trolls don't offer criticism. They offer unfounded personal attacks. I know this isn't perfect. I admit it. But I expect for it to be accepted with a grain of salt, since it is a work in progress. No one looks at a painting that is only background, waiting for the paint to dry, and critiques the lack  of perfection of the subject that hasn't yet been painted. Do people even understand painting these days? Sigh. Here's some stuff to read. If you're ready to go down the rabbit hole, just know the tunnel isn't smoothed out professionally yet and you may have to do a little [brain] work of your own.

Cosmic Validation

or, the Universe Provides, when you are on the right path.

So much. So deep. It's going to be hard to convey the exact energy that I'm feeling more and more these days. The past week has been astounding. Ever since the idea came to me... everything has been falling into place and making so much sense.

You may have seen something like this before. I know I certainly have, although I never saw it used with the word or concept of "Ikagi." 生き甲斐, In words, it means, "the Japanese concept meaning "a reason for being". Everyone, according to the Japanese, has an ikigai. Finding it requires a deep and often lengthy search of self. ... In the culture of Okinawa, ikigai is thought of as "a reason to get up in the morning"; that is, a reason to enjoy life."

I have struggled with this so hard, for most of my life. Nothing has ever made sense to me. Nothing has ever driven me to conquer achievements or challenges. I have always taken a somewhat easy road, kind of mindlessly doing what was expected of me--albeit in my own way, to be fair--but not really sure of myself. Until this week.

It started as a joke. Hubs and I often make jokes about "the impending apocalypse," especially in light of today's politics. As you can imagine, we often refer to the film V for Vendetta, especially compared with the book 1984. Hubs identifies most with the main character V, but I have always had a soft spot more for Stephen Fry's character, Deitrich, the collector.  It's who I identify with. I am a collector. I am a packrat. I find odd value in cultural items that most people overlook. Also kind of like Seymour in Ghost World, with his collection of "Coon Chicken Inn" posters. On deployment, they called me a "data whore" for the many gigs of film, tv, books, and games that I would horde, pieced together from many others' collections. I spent hours organizing, filing, streamlining. It was my zen.

I'm also the go-to for research. For just about anyone. An acquaintance recently got in touch with me regarding wrongful military separations: "Give me ten minutes to get home and I'll send you all the reference numbers you should look up and read." Any time we needed to find information... who came to the rescue? Me.

So here I am, 31 years old, with a BA in English.... taking English 101. I know, right? At first I rebelled against the idea. Then I reluctantly accepted. By the end of the first class I had fully embraced it. I used my AP scores to bypass 101 at my first college. That AP credit doesn't transfer from school to school. I also needed the credits in order to go [close to] full time and get my VA payments. So I figured, whatever, I'll just have a really easy quarter. I can play this game in my sleep.

And now my life has completely changed because I accepted this. We just finished our first essay, 5-6 pages on Paulo Freire and the film Dead Poets Society. My title was, "Splitting the Difference: Escaping Extremes Through Pragmatic Application of Freirean Pedagogy." Mouthful, huh? I haven't been so proud of something I've written in a long time. And apparently that showed!

My English instructor asked to see me after class. He opened the moment saying, "Tell me about your background, you obviously don't need to be in a 101 class. Why are you here?" I giggled; I had decided to try and keep my BA a secret until the end of the quarter. But he had read my paper that morning, and called it "practically graduate level work." When we turned in rough drafts he was a little concerned, because I had used Word's Track Changes feature to leave myself notes; I guess one time a student paid someone to do this, and it was considered plagiarism. But once he realized I wrote both the notes and the paper, he said it was "higher level thought, meta-analysis."

I explained to him that I had a BA and was now going to school for Electrical Engineering. He flat out said, "You know, I think that would be a mistake." I grinned. Because as of this past week, I have come to agree with him. I love electronics. They're neat. But it's not really where I belong. I enjoy the theory and ideas, but the math is killing me. Instead... I have decided to pursue a Master's of Science in Library and Information Studies.

YES I KNOW!!! For some reason, this is HILARIOUS. And I don't know why! Other than, it is exactly what I need to do with my life. Finally. I figured it out. I am concerned at the way print media is dwindling, but as long as we have colleges we will need librarians. They are projecting a 2% growth rate as a career, which is a little less than average, but again... It's something that will never fully go away. There are even some really cool ways to synthesize this reality, hence the "Information Studies" part--for example, Digital Stewardship. Finding ways to ensure data and information is preserved for the future... without necessarily knowing what sort of technology the future will hold. I am on Cloud NINE with this stuff!

The exchange with my instructor today was just validation that I am finally on the right path. It's taken me 20 years to figure it out, and 10 years of stumbling around ignoring it, but I've always wanted a Master's degree. Never wanted to teach, not big on writing as a career. But this... this is IT.

I'm still looking into programs, but I mean it when I say nothing has ever felt so right. And to think of the opportunities. I haven't been this excited about something... well like ever, I think [except maybe developing this relationship, which has also been an amazing journey]. I might even have the opportunity to study in Europe for this. Which would be so awesome.

 I never knew what this was. I did not understand. But now I do. As a side note, the other thing that really pushed me towards this idea is my belief in genetic memory, combined with the book, How the Irish Saved Civilization. Briefly, the book is based around the idea that had it not been for the Irish Monks who insisted on copying, hoarding, and borrowing information, rewriting everything they could, and so had "backup copies" when the Library of Alexandria was destroyed. So not only do I feel this as a personal calling, but it resonates on a deeper, ancestral level for me. We must preserve information. We must pass on as much as we can--we've already lost so much. I feel this, straddling the ancient times and future times, feeling uncomfortable with the present. Things I've never had words for, I'm suddenly able to explain. Or at least get closer to doing so.

Just Workin' for a Livin'

Well I haven't been doing much working, so I have been actually doing a surprising amount of living. Have not posted in ages. We know this. I couldn't get the summer classes to work out with the VA so I have basically been floating in the wind all summer. We did go on an epic half country road trip though, which was a lot of.... stress.

I'm very exhausted with having great ideas and the spark of inspiration and then ending up with so many half-done projects. This applies to crafts, arts, business ideas, freelancing, hell even blogging... I'll get such a great idea and then obsess over it for a couple weeks and then... drop it. And then get bored. I don't understand but it is definitely an established pattern in my life. I don't call them failures. Because if I had kept the drive and continued to follow through, it may have worked out. But I have a very low patience threshold, and if I don't see results quickly I'd rather walk away than "fail." So that was a very long way of saying I am trying not to get super excited about this and throw a lot of premature effort into it. BUT. I have been sending friends prints and originals of my artwork over the last year. I am displeased with the quality of scans and prints that I have been getting recently from FedEx, so I have enabled the print option on my DeviantArt account. I have not been attempting to meet their upload standards, so for a while a lot of my stuff won't be accessible. But. I hope to keep a closer eye on this account, and if I actually start getting enough attention, I may set up an Etsy account as well. A lot of my work is commission-based, because I need a little push to get started usually.  Here's my latest, which is the inspiration of this post.

I don't exactly have a "strong online presence," and I'm not sure I really want to put the effort into establishing one. I know myself fairly well, and I could easily screw up by focusing too much on that, especially while school and work or chores are an option. So basically I don't know if this is going to pan out or not, but I'm going to put it out there and play it by ear.

Have you ever realized how much of what we say is based on metaphors and euphamsims?

Side Note: Have been primarily studying Old Norse myth and religion. Need to remind myself to write about Ask & Embla, and Lif and Lifthraisir and the cyclical cosmos theory. There's a lot of writing that I need to get done.

Bink-182 Was Right

It really is the little things.

Cash must have levelled up again.

"Hey Bubba, are you hungry?"

*wagga wagga*

"Would you like to eat lunch?"
*hops off bed*
"Okay, bring me the Wooba for lunch."
*looks*
"Yeah, bring me that."
*picks up food toy*
"Okay, give."
*gives toy* !!!!!!! <--this is a big step for him
"Good boy!! Good boy!!"

"Mom, not while I'm eating! GAWD!"

Holy crap. I am so proud of this little 4 legged child right now. I can't believe what a good boy he's turning into. All we gotta do now is just work on his barking problem and we'll be golden.

Salt is the New Burn

Well, for me anyways.

But mostly, lots of fire.

Have you heard of Burning Man? If you haven't, it's this wild week long festival where a bunch of strangers go hang out in the desert and live it up. There's tons of music, sex, and drugs, but also more than that--from what I understand. I'm basing this assumption off of some friends who go religiously; and actually, it kind of does seem like a spiritual adventure. There's a sense of community and belonging that does not usually exist in the "real" world. There's a freedom to it. And also lots of paint, fire, costumes, and I don't even know what else.

Now personally, I have never been able to take Burning Man totally seriously. I mean, there are people like my friends, who look at it as a life changing event, and something they do every year. But there are also some people who are just dirty hippies who like drugs and sex [no offense to said hippies, of course]. But if you think about it, it seems like the happiest people do have some sort of annual [ish] ritual of getting away and being ultimately free. My aunt used to hit some hot springs in Colorado for a few days each year; my guess is it was a similar experience for her.

This is our version.

Back in March, hunny and I went on the Salty Dog cruise. It's been about five months since we've been back, but seriously, that trip did so much good for both of us. It was amazing. It was rejuvenating. He went expecting to wear a fake grin and suffer through it because it was "my people" and technically my birthday present... but by the first night he was just as caught up in the atmosphere as I was. Granted, he sat out the Rancid mosh pit, but at the same time he never once judged or complained about me insisting on being up front. Instead he sat out on the balcony making friends--I swear, the most antisocial, awkward, kid ever at home; you put him in a situation like this and suddenly he oozes charisma and attracts cool people.

Since we've returned home, we've booked tickets for the next cruise, and joined a few facebook groups related to the cruise. The community is insane. In the best way! To you, it may seem like throwing a few thousand punk rockers on a fancy cruise ship and giving them unlimited alcohol is a bad idea... it's so not. I don't even know if there were any fights! Everyone is so happy to be there, and having the time of their lives, that there's no need for drama. There's nothing but friendship and One Love. You know when you're in a mosh pit and someone goes down, and suddenly everyone's priority is finding the person who's down? That's One Love. That feels. That community.

So much help. So much love. No one left behind. It's amazing. If you want to go be wild with strangers, great! If you want to chill and relax low key, also great! Forgot something? Here take mine! Hey, here's a bracelet! On top of seeing a couple of my favorite bands [on a boat! and on a private island!] we were also spoiled half to death by the crew. Atlantis may have been not worth the price, but seeing my honey floating in the ocean waves with the biggest smile on his face... so worth it. The food was awesome. The whole atmosphere is amazing. And this feel, I imagine, is why people go to Burning Man.

This flag showed up all weekend.
This shot is during the Skinny Lister push off party.

We came home and booked SDC17 as soon as they'd let us. Also joined a few of the fb groups. And let me say, these people... they're amazing. They understand. They entertain. I've always been one of these people, surrounded by takers. It is so comforting and [relaxing... enlightening... I can't find the word I want] to be surrounded by others like this. I'm not saying that I don't know people like this in my life, but they are fewer and further between than the assholes. So to be completely surrounded by these people... and then to acknowledge that I'm one of them... and I'm in love with one of them... It's so amazing. I suppose I've fallen into shameless rambling, but it's a point I'm not sure if I'll ever make. To help explain, I really do think I will start posting memories of little moments throughout the cruise, just to illustrate the unspeakable that I'm trying to share.

I have been looking forward to SDC17 from the first night of the last cruise. It's going to be a big thing for us, I'm sure. A ritual, a tradition. It is something we literally need. It's amazing and I'm so thankful that we took the jump last year and booked our cabin. Everything involved was worth so much more than the financial cost.  I can't wait until next year--as veteran cruisers I know we're going to have about 10x more fun than we did this past year!

Shameless plug. If you're interested in the Cruise, please click. The lineup alone is worth the price, I promise. Imagine a three day Warped Tour. On a cruise ship.