Certainly Mixed Feelings...

I didn't want to deal with today being Mother's Day, but it's almost literally everywhere I look [at least online]. I have some really mixed emotions over the whole thing, and probably all too personal to rant about blindly online. This may come out vague, but hopefully it's the kind of vagueness that becomes poetic. We can only hope, right?

A very very intelligent and insightful woman who may have helped save my life once said, "the very first image of self that we have is what we see reflected in our mother's eyes. And if there's nothing there, for whatever reason--be it due to abandonment, addiction, abuse, or anything like that--it can have some lasting effects." [paraphrased at best] Now, I am not here to say that my mother doesn't love me and didn't always want the best for me. But wanting it and achieving it are two different things. As I've grown closer with other members of my family, I have found out more information about the past. Nothing terribly bad, but let's just say the drama runs strong in our family. My mother used to joke that "you would have moved out when you were 2 if you could have changed your own diapers!" It's a running gag on my super-independence. But you have to wonder... how does one gain that much independence at such a young age? Perhaps out of self-preservation... the necessity to care for oneself on an emotional or intellectual level. Our relationship was "good" at some point, but quickly degenerated over the past few years. It's one of those "out of self-preservation" cut ties.

We had some good times, us three.

The other running joke is that I "have the maternal instincts of a rock"--at least, as far as human children are concerned. Give me a puppy or a kitten and it's a different story. Now, I don't even know if I can physically have children, and due to extenuating circumstances, I will probably never find out for sure. It's a beast of a thing to come to terms with, but I was always on the fence about kids anyways. Now many of my friends are getting pregnant and having children over the past year or two... and I have a pup. Don't get me wrong, I totally adore this dog, and he sure as hell acts like my kid... but I'm not sure how I feel about leaving zero genetic legacy on this earth. My genes are awesome! I love my roots. But I guess it's not meant to be. And for the millionth time, adoption is not out of the question, but just not right now.

Puppy Smiles will have to suffice.

It's kind of depressing to think of being 31 with no hope of children any time soon. But at the same time, no offense to you moms, but a kid would ruin my life. I'm definitely too selfish, and aside from that I can hardly keep my life in order--I don't need to be legally and morally responsible for screwing up [or not] another human. There's always a chance down the road that some family member is going to need someone to care for their offspring, for whatever reasons.


Basically I find myself stuck in this awkward middle ground. I no longer carry a relationship with my own mother--so nothing to celebrate there... but I'm also tehnically no one's mother--so nothing to celebrate there, either. I feel kind of numb about it. It's bittersweet, sure... It's like I want to feel something, but can't. Even if that something was anger or rage or hurt or sad, it would be something to grasp onto, something to explore and understand.

I am happy and excited for my mom-to-be friends, and the recently mothered. Hooray for you guys. And my heart deeply, sorely goes out to a friend who lost her pregnancy recently and is coping with this holiday. I can't imagine how much more pain she is in than I. I also feel like I should take the moment to appreciate the other women in my life, who have mothered me in other ways--moms aren't always biological, I suppose. My "big-shot" Auntie has always jokingly claimed she was my real mom, and she has taught me understanding, compassion, and manners.  My grandmother, who certainly tried to share her love, even when we two black sheep didn't understand or threw it back in her face--what a saint to open her arms to me now. My Step-mom, who embraced the challenges of stepping into an empty role and sticking with it [and learning from me, perhaps, to be a great mom to her own kids]. To my friend's mom, who always treated me as one of her own brood, despite the years and distance and even my withdrawal during some tough times [thanks for chili and white Russians]. And her daughter has spent a time or two mothering me as well, usually being the voice of reason [now it's your turn to be impulsive, brash, and have some fun!]. The doctor I quoted above, who helped me see my situation in a different light, and helped me find the strength to start my life over--I still feel like I owe her an enormous thank you. JT & EK, who have mothered me in spirit, even though we're probably more like sisters in the end. To the moon who gives us an inner light, and the Earth who is home and womb to us all. To all the goddesses and divine representations of the nurturing female spirit... you don't live much in me, but the little light that shines for "cripples, bastards, and broken things" comes from you.

I guess I feel a little better now.

Learning to Appreciate my Lessons

I can definitely understand the craving for closure. That's something I'm dealing with--trying to practice?--as we speak. The act of letting go without giving up, learning from the past and from all relationships. 2012-2013 was certainly a rough time, but it seems that 2014-15 is [going to be?] all about change and growth. Maybe some of it is that Saturn Return, but this seems to be spreading further and further; I'm seeing it everywhere.

I am trying very hard these days to learn from the past, which starts with viewing it objectively--although some people would argue that I err on the side of making excuses and being too forgiving; others also accuse me of being too harsh and judgmental. It's all about Balance and Moderation.

Honestly, the past was effed up. That's the truth. But also honestly... it is just one more life lesson that confirms and validates my belief that everything happens for a reason. So long as we learn something, it isn't a total loss. Just as flowers sprout from manure, sometimes positive outcomes can sprout from seemingly negative circumstances. That is where I'm at now. Yes, things went wrong. Yes, things were bad. But I am better off FOR it. Not in spite of it, but likely because of it. Everything moves us forward. I am able to enjoy my life now--and enrich my life, as well as those around me--because of the lessons I have learned over the past few years.


The past year specifically--almost to the date, in fact--is when my journey really materialized. It started out as a very rocky road, terrifying even, but the path has smoothed. It was a leap of faith [on my part] that was long overdue. Roughly this time last year, I finally took a deep breath and dove head first into the unknown. And the world did not stop. The apocalypse did not rain down fire and brimstone, the Four Horsemen are still MIA, and all in all, the world seems to be more or less the same. I'm not done looking back over my shoulder just yet, but I am trying to balance that with also looking forward. And I'm not sure I would say 'It was worth it!' without batting an eye, but the scales of worth-it and not-worth-it haven't quite settled yet. I suppose as I learn my lessons, unpack the meanings, and explore everything, the scales will tip more in favor of worth-it.

The rotten situation I was in snowballed terribly, kind of like the spiral or fractals of the Fibonacci sequence, each year [month, day, hour] compounding upon the last. In no way do I see myself as without fault or blameless. Coulda woulda shoulda, of course, but it's much too late to change things now. Anyways, as I have reached out to some people, and stayed in touch with others, I have come to learn that the 'truth' tends to get a little fuzzy. I am only recently learning this [gradually, over the last year], and as such, I now question 'facts' or 'stories' that I had once known [possibly fallaciously] to be 'true.' The Truth [capital-T] is that there is always more than one side to the 'truth' [lower case, with quotation marks]... there are as many facets as there are individuals involved, and the 'real truth' lies at some point between all of the facets. Sort of like an 'average'. Yes, if you take every person's version of the 'truth' and average it against each other, you get the Truth. Anyways. With 20/20 hindsight and all that jazz, I now question some of the ignorance that I breezily took for granted.

I'm not surprised that things people have said and or done get taken out of context, exaggerated, exacerbated, or downplayed and ignored. As I said the other day, you have to consider the source and potential ulterior motives. I will not outright deny anything, because I have found that the 'truth' tends to be like a pearl--a whole bunch of flashy stuff wrapped around a tiny grain of Truth. As such, it's difficult for me to confirm or deny any he-said-she-said debates. I'm done letting things like that bother me.

I am learning that it is possible to 'let go' without 'giving up.' And just because I finally refused to play the game doesn't mean I lost the game. In all honesty, my retreat also likely served to protect many others from stress and emotional detriment. I never intended for it to be a permanent decision, but as hearsay came back to me and time passed, it seemed like it might just be a better idea to move on completely.

Someone recently told me that, "once that [relationship] ended, amazing things began to flourish in my life, and still are." The reason I replaced 'friendship' with 'relationship' is two-fold: one, because 'relationship' encompasses so much more as a broad term of any two people interacting with each other in any manner of ways; and two, because changing that one word, I am able to say that there is almost a verbatim parallel in my life as well. Life isn't completely roses and rainbows and unicorn farts, but... 'amazement' I think is a very valid adjective. I suppose you could argue that in some ways, a vacuum was formed; there was a hole that the universe had to fill. I fought against my lesson for long enough. When I was finally brave enough to let go, to take that leap, I was rewarded with a safe, soft place to land. I earned my karma. That concept was kind of a brief, surface thought I would snicker about from time to time, until recently. As I stumbled upon the factor of North Nodes [and South Nodes to a lesser extent] everything started falling into place and making sense. As humans, we have relationships primarily to teach us things. Suffice to say, I had a lot to learn. In some ways, I am thankful for it. I suppose I dug my heels in and stayed a bit longer than necessary, but as Gandalf says, "a wizard arrives precisely when he means to." Call it subconscious, call it fate, call it whichever side of psychology or spirituality you want to lump it in with, I can't argue with what has happened.

This past year, many more songs have hit me in the head/heart like a sledgehammer. That thud of recognition, that slight warm-fuzzy-breathless awe that someone has crystallized and immortalized your exact emotions. And damn if it doesn't sound better than anything you'd ever attempted! Anyways. So many apt lyrics float in and out of my life these days, and I am happy to turn many of them into art. But the one I think that sums this up best I can attribute to one of the most emotionally charged writers I've had the pleasure of listening to: that guy from Bayside.

“I think

this was

a test to see

how long I could hold my breath. 

I understand,

but I gotta remind myself

That even at my worst

I can keep my head.”