Frustrations

I'm not sure if these feelings are from Fibromyalgia, or my own personal inner demons with motivation, or an ongoing battle to adjust to night shift. Maybe it's even the weather changing to fall--nope, maybe not, that usually makes me feel amazing. But I am pooped. I have no energy. I have no motivation. I have so many ideas, plans, and chores. So many things I want to do. But for every step forward I take, I end up procrastinating the rest. I am loving the research that I'm doing, but today I can hardly understand and process more than a sentence  at a time. I'm running out of time to plant the garden. Our yard is a wreck. And like I said, every time I make a shred of progress, it wears me out so much that I can't follow through. I bought a rake. Since then, it has been too rainy or too late in the day. I finally get the energy and determination to start the laundry, but then once it's out of the drier and into the basket... well, let's just say there's two baskets full of clean laundry down in the garage.

...and there went my train of thought, there went all mental cohesion I was barely hanging on to. I feel a failure, but all I can do is think, "well, I guess I'll do that tomorrow then. If x y and z align."

Learning to Appreciate my Lessons

I can definitely understand the craving for closure. That's something I'm dealing with--trying to practice?--as we speak. The act of letting go without giving up, learning from the past and from all relationships. 2012-2013 was certainly a rough time, but it seems that 2014-15 is [going to be?] all about change and growth. Maybe some of it is that Saturn Return, but this seems to be spreading further and further; I'm seeing it everywhere.

I am trying very hard these days to learn from the past, which starts with viewing it objectively--although some people would argue that I err on the side of making excuses and being too forgiving; others also accuse me of being too harsh and judgmental. It's all about Balance and Moderation.

Honestly, the past was effed up. That's the truth. But also honestly... it is just one more life lesson that confirms and validates my belief that everything happens for a reason. So long as we learn something, it isn't a total loss. Just as flowers sprout from manure, sometimes positive outcomes can sprout from seemingly negative circumstances. That is where I'm at now. Yes, things went wrong. Yes, things were bad. But I am better off FOR it. Not in spite of it, but likely because of it. Everything moves us forward. I am able to enjoy my life now--and enrich my life, as well as those around me--because of the lessons I have learned over the past few years.


The past year specifically--almost to the date, in fact--is when my journey really materialized. It started out as a very rocky road, terrifying even, but the path has smoothed. It was a leap of faith [on my part] that was long overdue. Roughly this time last year, I finally took a deep breath and dove head first into the unknown. And the world did not stop. The apocalypse did not rain down fire and brimstone, the Four Horsemen are still MIA, and all in all, the world seems to be more or less the same. I'm not done looking back over my shoulder just yet, but I am trying to balance that with also looking forward. And I'm not sure I would say 'It was worth it!' without batting an eye, but the scales of worth-it and not-worth-it haven't quite settled yet. I suppose as I learn my lessons, unpack the meanings, and explore everything, the scales will tip more in favor of worth-it.

The rotten situation I was in snowballed terribly, kind of like the spiral or fractals of the Fibonacci sequence, each year [month, day, hour] compounding upon the last. In no way do I see myself as without fault or blameless. Coulda woulda shoulda, of course, but it's much too late to change things now. Anyways, as I have reached out to some people, and stayed in touch with others, I have come to learn that the 'truth' tends to get a little fuzzy. I am only recently learning this [gradually, over the last year], and as such, I now question 'facts' or 'stories' that I had once known [possibly fallaciously] to be 'true.' The Truth [capital-T] is that there is always more than one side to the 'truth' [lower case, with quotation marks]... there are as many facets as there are individuals involved, and the 'real truth' lies at some point between all of the facets. Sort of like an 'average'. Yes, if you take every person's version of the 'truth' and average it against each other, you get the Truth. Anyways. With 20/20 hindsight and all that jazz, I now question some of the ignorance that I breezily took for granted.

I'm not surprised that things people have said and or done get taken out of context, exaggerated, exacerbated, or downplayed and ignored. As I said the other day, you have to consider the source and potential ulterior motives. I will not outright deny anything, because I have found that the 'truth' tends to be like a pearl--a whole bunch of flashy stuff wrapped around a tiny grain of Truth. As such, it's difficult for me to confirm or deny any he-said-she-said debates. I'm done letting things like that bother me.

I am learning that it is possible to 'let go' without 'giving up.' And just because I finally refused to play the game doesn't mean I lost the game. In all honesty, my retreat also likely served to protect many others from stress and emotional detriment. I never intended for it to be a permanent decision, but as hearsay came back to me and time passed, it seemed like it might just be a better idea to move on completely.

Someone recently told me that, "once that [relationship] ended, amazing things began to flourish in my life, and still are." The reason I replaced 'friendship' with 'relationship' is two-fold: one, because 'relationship' encompasses so much more as a broad term of any two people interacting with each other in any manner of ways; and two, because changing that one word, I am able to say that there is almost a verbatim parallel in my life as well. Life isn't completely roses and rainbows and unicorn farts, but... 'amazement' I think is a very valid adjective. I suppose you could argue that in some ways, a vacuum was formed; there was a hole that the universe had to fill. I fought against my lesson for long enough. When I was finally brave enough to let go, to take that leap, I was rewarded with a safe, soft place to land. I earned my karma. That concept was kind of a brief, surface thought I would snicker about from time to time, until recently. As I stumbled upon the factor of North Nodes [and South Nodes to a lesser extent] everything started falling into place and making sense. As humans, we have relationships primarily to teach us things. Suffice to say, I had a lot to learn. In some ways, I am thankful for it. I suppose I dug my heels in and stayed a bit longer than necessary, but as Gandalf says, "a wizard arrives precisely when he means to." Call it subconscious, call it fate, call it whichever side of psychology or spirituality you want to lump it in with, I can't argue with what has happened.

This past year, many more songs have hit me in the head/heart like a sledgehammer. That thud of recognition, that slight warm-fuzzy-breathless awe that someone has crystallized and immortalized your exact emotions. And damn if it doesn't sound better than anything you'd ever attempted! Anyways. So many apt lyrics float in and out of my life these days, and I am happy to turn many of them into art. But the one I think that sums this up best I can attribute to one of the most emotionally charged writers I've had the pleasure of listening to: that guy from Bayside.

“I think

this was

a test to see

how long I could hold my breath. 

I understand,

but I gotta remind myself

That even at my worst

I can keep my head.”

Bzz Bzz Bzz

That's the sound of a bee. They're busy, like I have been. The time off from work has been glorious, despite the bum knee, and I've finally had time [and energy!] to do things. Things above and beyond a load of dishes, or clean up the bedroom. I'm finally qualified at work, which means I get to start working the night shift on my own. Yay! First time I've ever worked a legit night shift, I'm excited. Haven't quite mastered the schedule change yet though--I'm still asleep around midnight and up by 9 am. Trial by fire, I suppose.

So what all have I done? Let's explore with photos.
I took this pile of squares... added a little kitty magic [all three on the bed at once!] and turned it into this lovely blanket for Boss Man's new lil' girl.

this...

...plus this...

 

...equals this.

Between the daylight hours, I noticed these little guys growing in the corner of my yard by the sidewalk. Before I got a closer look, I thought they were all crocus[es?]. But when I went to dig them up, I noticed the one was actually a different flower with some super gorgeous ivy with it. Luckily I had enough spare pots. The crocus seems to be doing okay, it was two or three bulbs. The ivy... well... I hope it will recover. It had nodes or whatever, and I had some rooting hormone I picked up for cuttings I'd like to do eventually, so I tried it out. I'm hoping it will perk up in the next couple weeks. Anyone got ideas on the strain, species, or variation? I love the two-tone leaves. 

Another thing that I started lately. I haven't read the book that this is referring to, but the journal caught my eye. It's smaller than I had thought, but it is my favorite color, and I really like the idea. So far this will only be the third day I've owned it, but I think it's a great idea and I look forward to... um... looking back.

Here is my next major project. Aside from finally planting my winter bulbs, I am going to make a little side planter in a round pot. Just something I can take with me after the move. The landlords said I can plant whatever I want, and I hope the next people love the flowerbed as much as I... will... but I'm kinda selfish so I am making one pot to take with me.  

I'm also waiting for a drill/powered screwdriver from Mr. Brown to finish [er, start] my attempt at transforming an old bookshelf into an entertainment stand. I have the shelves cut, thanks to Home Depot, so now all I have to do is screw it all together and paint it. Pics of that on the next update.  

In other news, I am putting myself on concert-ticket-restrictions. Too many times this year I have bought tickets to a show in advance--and tickets for friends too--and then had one or all of us bail last minute [myself included!]. I mean there are a few exceptions, of course, but I am done with that nonsense. If I want to go bad enough and feel up to it, I will just have to buy tickets at the door. No more telling myself, "it's going to sell out! I need to buy NOW!" and then regretting it or feeling guilty because I'm not up to fully enjoying the mosh pit. sigh I guess this is what it feels like to get old. On the plus side, I did spend the first part of that day jamming with a friend of a friend. It was nice [but really really rocky!] to play bass again. I've got to sit down with the tracks to try and get a better feel of what the music is actually doing, but it might work out.

Broken Again

I really really hate being broken. I'm okay, really. It's not so bad. I only sprained my knee, it's not the end of the world. Everything is still attached, no permanent damage, just a bit more pain than usual. Long story short, last night roughhousing I heard it go -pop- and had a bit of pain. It mostly went away, but I figured--correctly--that it would be worse in the morning. Sure enough, guess who crab-walked to the bathroom this morning? This girl. So I ended up going [sheepishly and slowly] to the ER. I mean, it's not like it's a life threatening condition or anything... Just lots of pain. At least no one at the ER made me feel guilty[-ier] about coming in. They were all really nice. As I told them, I would have gone to an Urgent Care, but we don't really have one [Tricare Prime, and all that jazz]. Plus it was easier to go to that ER than drive all the way to work, which is 45 minutes on a good day. The PA said my knee was strong and the x-rays were good, but I should follow up if it still hurts after a week or so. That would mean there's potential damage to the actual cartilage, which they can only see with MRIs. They gave me a terrible taco-leg brace, midget-crutches, and some vicodin. And also a note for bed rest, because it's my driving leg... and remember how I said 45 minutes on a good day? Yeah no thanks. I will say though, at least at this new place I know they'd work with me and let me sit most of the day once I actually got there--it's just the getting there that I'm worried about.

I only drank about a half of one
and was out for at least three hours...

So fun fact, this stuff here has melatonin in it. I'm not sure if it was because I took the vicodin too [usually it doesn't affect me, it's just like strong motrin to me] or because this stuff actually works. I'm going to definitely try it again, considering my recent bout of insomnia. I'm chalking some of that up to the new doc putting me back on gabapentin. Last time I took it, I didn't notice a whole lot; but at that time, it was part of a different chemical cocktail. I'm slowly confirming my theories on gabapentin-plus-Celexa, and hopefully soon I'll have this stuff sorted out. Doc wants me on 300mg at night at 100mg in the mornings, but doing it his way was keeping me up all night, and making me crash right after work for a three or four hour nap. I'm slowly cycling over to 200mg in the am and 200mg around lunch or after work, hopefully combating that afternoon slump. I asked around in one of the Fibro groups I follow, and so far it seems like I'm the only one who gets a little speedy [followed by the crash, of course] on gabapentin.

Cause and Effect:
I am broken, therefore I crochet.

So with the note off from work, and being stuck in a  bed, that does give me some time to finish lil Zoe's blankie. Mama is being induced today, so maybe she'll finally pop out. If she is stubborn and waits til after midnight, she'll share a birthday with our roomie. I just have to do the border on... um... well most of the squares... and then connect them all together. But hey, what else am I going to do? Ice my knee, pout about being stuck, crochet, and watch bad tv. I was so set to do all kinds of chores today--laundry, dishes, ironing, taking out trash from everywhere... I mean I was gonna go Stepford on this place. But now... sigh. The boys have been great at spoiling me though, even if they are a little overprotective. I'm not used to being 'taken care of,' and I guess I'm still stubborn and have that 'No I can do it!' mentality. They're going to make sure I take it easy though. And you know who else is going to make sure I take it easy? Miss Maow. She's had it a little rough the past couple nights herself; the boys want to play, and then play turns into being too rough, and next thing you know... ouchies.

"Ladies don't start fights...
But they can finish them!"

She is extremely cuddle-rific these days though. Or should it be cuddle-tastic? I don't know. I want a cookie, or some ice cream. Oh, and it has also been brought to my attention... Well, let's just say it was kind of like "shutting the gate after the cattle have already wandered off," as my mom used to say. I don't mean to be the vague, pessimistic, passive-aggressive 'nag about problems via the internet' type of gal here, so I'll just leave it at that I suppose.