A Bittersweet Pill

Before I start: Genius managed to actually wear a hole in his bandage [which he was supposed to wear til Tuesday] soooooo it ended up ripping pretty bad and then I had to cut it off. How is he so destructive?! He's been in a cone the whole time!

Anyways.

So, when I visit my folks, I usually manage to find all the old photos, and start taking photos of them. I've been fighting for about two days with Flickr to do minor edits on them [just a little cropping and light balance] to no avail. I got pretty irritated and might just bail on Flickr. But then I still need a way to group and organize my photos, so I turned to the built-in Google option. Now, this is where my phone auto-backups to. Yeah. So. There's a TON of crap. At least... there was.

I was able to clean out a lot of crap. And I started two albums. Still, there's a lot of work to do. I wish my phone didn't upload automatically, but if I try to do it manually, I end up forgetting and losing damn near everything. I still have a ton of albums in my head--I categorize obsessively. Anyways, so, I get to looking at all these pictures from about two years ago. Right after I came home from the hospital. The time that I had weigh-in's dropped in my lap unexpectedly and actually managed to pass--including the fitness portion too [thank god for the alternate cardio option!]. It reminded me of when I first got out of bootcamp. So then I went on facebook and looked at those pictures.

Wow. Seriously, wow.

Now granted... Since then I have hit two deployments, gone through a divorce, been diagnosed with a handful of wonderful syndromes, left the military, and been on a terrible medication regimen. But wow. I'm not going to give numbers or after-pics, just know that I'm not healthy. To say I'm not happy with my current weight is an understatement--but if you've known me for any length of time, you know this is generally normal. But to rub my own nose in it... to see what I am capable of... I can't tell if I'm frustrated or inspired.

Trying to stay positive: I have been home from vacation for about two weeks now [I think]. Rather than ruin vacation, I decided to start my journey once I got home. So far, I can at least boast this:

...in two weeks.

--Step one was to get off the medication. Check.
--Step two was to stop eating out. Semi-check. I still have to hit the deli now and then, but it's not too hard to get semi-healthy choices from a couple places around town. Sushi now and then, or a sandwich on a high pain day, things like that. But the concept is, cook at home and control ingredients. Now if I could just get portion control down!
--Step three is the hydration step. I've never been big on sodas, but I generally avoid water like the plague. I tend to drink too much coffee throughout the day--and I'm talking like a 24 oz latte. Instead, I've switched to a French Press at home, which is good for about two cups a day. I;m also doing better about water in general. Semi-check.
--Step four is the one I hate the most... exercise. Chalk it up to the depression/dysthymia issue, but on a logic level, I know that once I'm finished working out I'll feel better. But it's everything that leads up to that point that makes me drag my feet and avoid it. We now have a weight set at home, so I need to be hitting that twice a week. Ideally, I want to do hot yoga twice a week, but the puppy can't be unsupervised yet so that's out. I could do regular yoga at home... *effort*. The one thing I can't avoid, though, is walking to class. So instead of taking a full courseload while I try to get my health in order, I am auditing a class at my old college. It's free, but I get no credit. But. Class is walking distance from my house. But so far I have only been to one class. Hopefully this works. Not-Quite-Check-at-All.
--Step five is another really easy one that I've been avoiding. There are a handful of supplements that I know work for me, both for pain and weight loss. I should be taking them. I have I think all of them. Why don't I take them? I hate pills. And I haven't established my routine yet. [that's just an excuse].

Anyways, thanks for bearing with me. I needed to vent, if you could call it that. I don't want to be a health food gym rat. But at the same time... I kind of need to be. At least for right now.

[finishing touches]

Had a fairly productive day, despite the feeling that I'm coming down with crud and a strange pulled... throat muscle? It's weird. Anyways. Starting Squat Challenge tomorrow, now that my workplace allows and fosters appropriate use of gym time, and doesn't wear me out or eat up so much of my life that it's impossible to self-care. On that note, I wrapped up today with a 30-minute Hatha bedtime routine, and a 20-minute neck/shoulders/upperback release routine. I already feel better.

I figured that after yoga I'd just pass out, but somehow I got the strange motivation to finish up a piece I'd put on the back burner. I was torn between finding a scratchy font or drawing the letters out myself, but today I decided that I'd stick to my style and just do the stamped tissue paper instead. Here's the--still wet--final result. I think the ModPodge helped bring out some of the colors from the failed transfer. I also think that Mr. Brown is going to love it. Now, if I could just sit down and start sketching for the 'little bird'...

Another Longwinded Nutshell

Greetings, fair readers, assuming you exist. I know I have been very inconsistent with this bloggy-ness-thing. Life happens. Fortunately, I do still take lots of pictures, and duty days of boredom and loneliness are actually a good chance to write, if you want to start doing that glass-half-whatever thing. I have been up and down and dabbling across many fields [as I tend to do], so I'm going to repeat a previous format and see how it goes. This promises to be long-winded, so by all means feel free to skip to the parts that interest you.

 

Yarn Stuffs:

I finally got ballsy and decided to see exactly how much I knitted and crocheted while on deployment. This is the result. I'm not sure I'm quite ready to start putting the blanket together yet, and I'm actually starting to get a little nervous about how many various qualities, textures, weights, and sizes there are of squares. Girl night scheduled soon in order to divvy up squares for everyone. In related news, I have so much scrap yarn from this project that I have decided to start a random side-project blanket, which I have deemed 'the Ugliest Blanket in the Universe.' It is mindless, simple, and we'll see where it goes.

I am considering starting a file or notebook titled 'Cozy Compendium,' because if there's an inanimate object out there, there's damn sure a cozy for it. So far the only thing I have successfully completed in the cozy department is a skillet-handle-cover, and wow, yes, that was so worth it. My list of tiny things to make for friends is ever increasing, and I should probably get to work on those if I want to have ANYthing ready to go by Christmas.

Critter Stuffs:

What originally started as Hubs randomly suggesting 'Let's get a fish for the kitties!' has endured much research and much startup capital, and now results in us having a full-blown aquarium. Nothing too fancy, just a 10 gallon tank. We're starting the nitrogen cycle with a [Half-Moon] Betta [Hank, named after Henry Rollins], a snail [Etienne, because that's French for 'Steve'], and a small handful of ghost shrimp. I still really want to get some sort of Pleco, and hubs is gunning for some tetras since Bettas are supposed to 'tolerate' them. Hank is actually a darker blue, but he gets shiny and aqua in some lights. So far Miss Z is fascinated, she has tried to pat the tank a few times [she is a very feet-y cat]. Orange is mildly amused, but seems to think that he needs human chauffeuring to get from floor to desktop. The Princess could care less. 

Plant Stuffs:

So far, so good. Aside from occasionally forgetting to water them [the sunflower is the only one that can't handle it], me being home really does make all the difference. The aloe pups are still growing, and the sunflower will bloom... eventually. The only thing I'm not sure about is the mystery plant might be getting too much sun and I'm thinking it might be time to repot it into a larger home. 

Also, I was cruising through Safeway the other day and found THIS little guy... er, big guy rather! It was a little more expensive and I was skeptical of buying him from a grocery store, but upon closer inspection, this plant is WORLDS better than the ones I have bought from actual 'plant stores' via Amazon. I am excited to repot this sucker into some peat moss and perhaps settle him in to a shelf over the kitchen sink. [Note to self, build shelf over kitchen sink.]

 Music Stuffs:
Maybe I will do full reviews later on in an effort to blog more often, but, I have a couple new albums. Cursory listen to Middle Class Rut left me somewhat unimpressed, while the new MSI album is exactly what I'd expect from them plus a little more edge.

As far as personal music goes, well, the pendulum tends to swing between extremes. We were overdoing it a couple weeks ago, and followed that up with almost no musical activity to speak of. We're trying to reach a balancing point between the two, but we'll see. Still feeling kind of suck/dumb on keys, and haven't learned or practiced anything in a while. For bass, I managed to solidify a couple newer covers and hammer out a couple of Corson's originals. Hubs eventually wants to record them for an EP. The tour has also been postponed, and that band has petered out as a result.

Geek Stuffs:
Definitely not as active in this department as I was a few weeks ago. Have put a bit more time into Civ5 BNW and come to the conclusion that Brazil is just not a good strategy in a multiplayer game. Tried XCOM for about a half a second but was feeling impatient with the tutorial.

Read the Oatmeal.
Can't remember what else I was going to put here.

Work Stuffs:

We made a lot of progress on our actual work, and the contractors still love me. I recalculated my scores and I should probably make the next promotion pretty easily. However, getting very discontent and frustrated with the drama and politics. Starting to lean towards 'FTN I'm OUT!' instead of reenlisting. Some days it's just not worth it and I want my life back. But anyways.

 

Gym Stuffs:

Perhaps this should be filed under 'work stuffs,' but it's hard to say since the two are so dreadfully intertwined. I need to shave a whole minute off my 1.5 mile in about a month. I'm sure it's doable, but I'm not having the best time trying to make time to run at home. I'm sure you can imagine. However, with a little effort I should actually be able to make it into the 'excellent' category for pushups [37] and 'good' for situps [54]. That would equate to like, a B and a C if we were talking school grades. My run is a metaphorical D-.

Kitchen Stuffs:

Another rather dull section, really. I still cook, all the time... Because I EAT all the time... but, really, nothing fun, new, or interesting going on here that I can recall.

Mind & Body Stuffs:
Sleep is still very much out of whack, and my back hurts more often that not. Today is a pretty bad hand-day, but I have an appointment with a neurologist next month to continue the diagnostic process. Finally have an appointment to look at some new medications... just so happens to fall on my 'day off' about four or five hours after I WAS going to get to head home. And again, I live roughly an hour away, so it's not like I could go home for lunch or a nap or anything and go back out. Hopefully better updates on this topic in the future.

Third Time's a Charm!!

So, I was supposed to get weighed in this week.

On Tuesday, they told me I would have to come back because my skin was too red… from my workout wrap thing. I took it off the required half hour before, but I guess I broke out. Oops, my bad.

So I was supposed to go back today, this morning, but no one gave me an exact time. So turns out, by the time I got there, everyone had already left. So that’s strike two.

By this time I’m fairly freaking out and continuing to diet ferociously, which sucks. SO FINALLY. I went back this evening, and PASSED!

Final verdict:

63.5” tall

13.5” neck

28” waist [woohoo!]

42.5” hips

For a body fat percentage of 32%!!!...which is borderline, but PASSable. So, I pass. I win. I get promoted. And I get to ease up on the diet a little and be normal but still work out all the time. Then by the time I get home, I might actually be able to make it on weight alone! :D

Damn my insufferable good Rhythm !

I am old enough to remember that song “The Rhythm is Gonna Get You,” by Gloria Estefan. More like, I spend all my time trying to get the rhythm.

I can’t dance. Like, I can’t ‘get down,’ or ‘boogie’ or any of that good drunk stuff—in heels or without. I can cha-cha, waltz, and salsa passably because of acting class. I can line dance if you give me earplugs, and I can zumba all day long—with half of my body at a time. I’m not quite sure where this rhythm came from, but I know one of my brothers is pretty damn good at drums, and my dad was in marching band back in the day… before he discovered football, I think. But I play bass, and the running joke is dammit, I can count to 8, and I’m pretty good at it, and so far that’s always been good enough. Sure, sometimes it’s more like “one, two, doo-de-doo, dun dun dun, and a-seven-and-eight,” but… well that’s how bassists count sometimes, okay?!

So. Science has totally proven that the music you listen to can affect your workout. If you listen to the right stuff, you get pumped. Like, this has been studied. What they can’t quite put their finger on, however, is what ‘good’ workout music is. I can’t exactly explain it either. But I can say this: When I have a bad music day on the ipod, I have a bad workout day at the gym. I don’t know why, but if I can’t manage to synch myself up to the beat, it throws me off completely. If I can’t keep up with a song because I’m tired, it ruins the moment. So I spend at least 1/3 of my workout trying to find the right song for the moment, which is unfortunate. I have a great fantasy idea of how to fix this, but I would have to build an elliptical from scratch and reprogram it entirely… and no I’m not going to explain myself until I get a patent on the idea. Anyways, it’s a cool idea.

Anyways, I had a bummer workout today [I was pretty beat] but, I have been slowly coming to the conclusion that the following bands are [almost] always safe bets for gym time:

#Mindless Self Indulgence

#Chevelle

#Deftones

#the Eels

#Electric Six

The following bands are extremely hit or miss:

#Smashing Pumpkins

#Nine Inch Nails

#Sick Puppies

#Tool

#A Perfect Circle

#Prodigy

There’s still over 1000 songs in my ‘test’ playlist. I’m slogging through them one run at a time… one of these days I’ll have a solid gym playlist. I can’t wait to post it. I don’t have my info with me, but I also can think of bands that seem like they’d be good for the gym, but surprisingly are somehow not. More on that later.

Run the Gulf

It was brought to my attention that I haven’t written in a while… oops, my bad.

Things are getting really Groundhog Day-y out here, every day revolving around working out and dieting, with a break for shower, and sitting on watch not doing much of anything useful. I haven’t had a lot of time or energy to put into anything even remotely interesting. Except once a week I work with the mail department and absolutely love it. And they love me back. However, my feet and my lower back do not participate in the love-fest.  

So anyways, Run the Gulf is a program put on by our morale department. The Persian Gulf, where we are currently annoying other countries, is 615 miles across. Okay, okay, 618 to be exact, but what is it they say? “Good Enough for Government Work”? Yeah, that. ANY-ways, point being, it’s something they do on deployments. Track your mileage, make the goal, get a free teeshirt and I dunno, a pat on the back or an atta-girl or something.

I was already methodically tracking every step I take on an exercise machine, because I tend to be obsessive about statistics. For example, I have already run about 120 miles since we left WA. Considering we’ve been gone for three months, I’ve really been slacking. The RTG program only started about a week ago, and at my current pace—if my memory serves, which it may not—I average about five miles a day. At that rate, it will take about 120 days [three months] to meet this goal of 615 miles across the metaphorical gulf. It’s a good thing they gave us the rest of deployment to run!

Some of you may be really confused right now. I hate running. Loathe. Despise. Someone give me a thesaurus, I’m not done expressing emotion. But you know what, I gotta keep it up. I have to keep going. So, at least this gives me 1) a clear and concise goal with a tangible reward at a concrete end; as well as 2) a very visual mental image to encourage me. I’ve already noticed an improvement… like the day I totaled over 8 miles. Guys, EIGHT MILES. In ONE DAY. For NO REASON. What is happening to me?? There’s no zombies behind me, nor chocolate cake or beer in front of me… what reason do I have to run? Well… just to say I did, I suppose. It’ll make a good story one day, right?

Another Day, Another Disappointment

This was originally going to be a somewhat jovial post including an exchange between myself and my boss a few weeks back. It was humorous; he managed to compare me to a trebuchet in an almost completely serious way. This pleased me greatly.

However, I did an unofficial measurement today for Fat Camp. [It’s not lookin’ good, Bob, back to you for the story.]

Thanks, Chuck. Over the past 2 or 3 weeks, I have lost an inch. Unfortunately, that inch is split evenly between my neck and my waist. Now, the formula used to determine if you are actually a fat-ass or not [for females] is this:

hips + waist – neck = total  = body fat percentage vs. height

So. At a whopping 5’3” tall, mine looks like this:

44 + 29.5 – 13.5 = 60 = >35% body fat

Now for those of you who don’t know, I’ve already screwed up twice so I’m on thin ice. If I don’t get under 32% body fat, I will be, shall we say, forcibly excused from my contract with the service. So I have to get down to a “57”, which means losing 3 inches in any combination… unless it’s from my neck. Apparently I need to grow jowls.  

Here’s the problem with this arbitrary and archaic system of judging people’s physiques. I am extremely pear shaped, to put it nicely. I’m quite literally built like a cartoon. I am not “fat.” However, this means jack shit to anybody. Genetics? P’shaw. I have been going to the gym and dieting and have toned up most of my major muscle groups quite nicely and quite quickly. However. None of this really does me any good because of this stupid math equation.

Imagine, if you will, the following scenario. Look, I am so serious about this I even drew you a lovely illustration using MS Paint. Hey man, resources are limited. And apparently I don’t believe in legs or arms. They’re overrated anyways.

 

Me:       13” neck

34-36” bust

            29” waist

            44” hips

Right, so I’m kind of built like Jessica Rabbit, except five feet tall. Everything looks normal until you get down to the random badonk-a-donk… Anyways, because of my slimmer-in-comparison upper body, I am screwed.

Remember, 29 + 44 –13 = 60 = fat

Theoretical Fat Girl:        16” neck

                                    38” bust

                                    35” waist

                                    38” hips

So, this pretend girl would be built like an apple with several double chins. You know, where she has no curves at all; I would imagine this is what that 90s rapper would consider a “brick… houuuuse…” in my head. However, comma, 35 + 38 – 16 = 57 . Assuming this imaginary girl is also 5’3”, she would be within body fat standards. Yet when it comes down to it, who is more fit? Probably me. Who has more or less actual body fat? The world may never know.

Oh wait, just kidding, there’s like four other ways to measure body fat. All of which are far more accurate!!

Sigh. This is the problem. While I may be more aesthetically pleasing to some, “Honey, I like you the way you are” don’t pay my bills. And apparently spending 3 hours at the gym every day just affords me more of the same.

                                   

Haze Grey +16.5

Okay yes I know 16.5 is a strange number. Mainly because today would be 17, but I’m more writing about yesterday, which was 16. I managed to go to bed at grandma hour just because I couldn’t entertain myself to stay up any later, and ended up sleeping for about ten hours. I think I needed that, I feel a lot more normal today.

Which somehow reminds me… I want one of those deployment countdown calendar things… Like when we were kids and you’d make the paper chain to count down til Christmas? I want one of those. Unfortunately if I made one, it would probably go around our shop about ten times on the day we leave. I mean, we’re talking somewhere in the nature of like 250 days. That’s depressing as all hell.

ANYways, on a more positive note. Yesterday we did circuit training based on muay thai. It wasn’t that great of a workout because it wasn’t consistent activity. I can see how it could be really awesome, but it’s essentially fat kid camp, so we had to keep stopping and what not. Aside from the guys instructing us, I’m practically the most in-shape one there… until I have to do anything on my back. Situps, crunches, leg lifts, etc. All of that, I am basically a cripple. The back pain is fairly instant; feels like muscle spasms. I’m not going to freak out about it yet, I’m kind of blaming it on a weakness on my part. I have been thinking about it too, and if I can meet the requirements later on, I think I’d like to take over that job. I know you have to score well on the fitness test, but honestly, if I have to be there all the time anyways, doing it is probably the only way I will keep working out, because I’m so lazy. So if I volunteer to help out, I have a reason to be there. And I think I can motivate people more by saying, honestly, “I’ve been in your shoes before, quit whining and do your best.”

After an hour of circuit training I went to do my run. My mile hit at about 12 minutes, my 1.5 mile was around 18. However—at my max time to pass the 1.5 mile, I was only 0.10 short!! That makes me feel pretty good. I ran for a total of 30 minutes including cool down, and hit 2.5 miles. I think I want a mile meter like the yarn meter I have. I’m curious to see how much [if any] weight I’ve lost. I’ll know on the 16^th, and also probably my measurements. The good/bad news is that since will be deployed, they generally don’t make us run the whole fitness test, just do the body fat part. That means I should be able to pass no problem if I keep this up. My issue has always been not preparing, being inconsistent… now I really have no excuse to be inconsistent, and if I keep this up for the… oh… four months I have left before the test, I should be able to get down to size. It just rubs me the wrong way to walk around out here and see so many “real” fat people in the military, to where I don’t understand why they are still in, and yet everyone wants to give me a hard time just because I am Super-Pear shaped. The way they measure fat is completely BS. Granted I don’t know that switching to other, more accurate ways would be in my favor, but still. Measuring my “hips” below my hip bone just because it’s the “widest point” [read, “fattest part of yo ass”] doesn’t sit well with me.

Haze Grey +15

Man this sucks. I’ve managed to get almost completely backwards and barely able to write. Pretty much I’m going 24/up 12/down, and it’s not exactly working out.

Today I ran for 55 min and clocked 4.45 miles. I didn’t run yesterday because of my lovely adventures with the Admiral and his bad news… crab legs and ice cream do not for a deployment redeem. I did however have fun last night making a fairly inclusive list on Amazon to help out. I think the day before that I ran for 55 minutes and only managed 4 miles. I was really not feeling so hot and only made myself go so that I could try to get back on schedule.

So, what is with girls and showers? We only have three of them, and there’s roughly 30-40 of us. No joke, I waited for about ten minutes, took a shower, and got out, and one of the other girls still wasn’t done. It was fairly ridiculous. Granted I didn’t shave today, but what on earth can possibly take that long? Wash your self and get out. On a semi-related note, I can’t stand people who decide they should have their meetings in the middle of a high-traffic hallway. Seriously. Kind of goes along with the “who ever is carrying the heaviest or bulkiest item gets the right of way” concept. I mean, that’s common sense, right? Wait… military… that’s right, common sense isn’t welcome here.  

I was watching some stupid show today, Family Jewels I think—not by choice—and, well, I gotta say. Maybe it’s our accelerated culture pushing everything to overkill, but I am really sick of the general public’s “support the troops” façade. Everyone puts on such a big show about it, but aside from talking a big game, what does anyone really do? You say you respect veterans, but do you really? You can stand on your moral soap box all you want, but the truth is, America tends to take its military for granted. I think this whole “Support Our Troops” movement is just a bunch of hype, a bunch of people just jumping on a bandwagon that they support intellectually but not in any other life changing aspect. Sure celebrities go to the USO and Walter Reed Military Hospital, and I guess that’s great and all, but what about the rest of us? I get really sick of seeing so much cheesy “positive thoughts” propaganda… but how many people actually work to do something about it? And I don’t just mean donate to organizations, because I think that’s a load of bullshit no matter what organization it is. Money is stupid. Donate your TIME and EFFORTS. Like the church that sends us pillowcases so we can have a bit of color in our day. Or friends and family who actually write letters or send pictures and care packages. Maybe the world has a skewed view of what they think “helps” or what is “important” to active duty deployed military folks.  

Okay, I’m done here. You can have this soapbox back.

Haze Grey +7

Oh, damn, I see… I’ve been doing it wrong all along.

First day of mandatory PT today… I understand the “working out til you feel like you’re going to puke” kind of thing now. I still don’t like it and I still hate working out. After an hour or so of that I did 2 miles in 22 minutes, keeping with my 11 min/mi average… BUT. My mile is about 12 minutes, and my 1.5 mile is at 17. That’s one minute over fail, and two minutes over my goal. Again, I use either a hill climb or a cross-country program for shits-n-giggles, I’d probably be a little faster on a flat course. I got myself coughing on the elliptical; that’s good, right? I can say now that running to TV is more entertaining but running with music is more effective. But it’s hard to manage electronics and I don’t want anything to get stolen or broken, so I’ll just trade off I guess. I definitely missed watching Tara today while I ran. On off days my goal is to do 5 miles. On PT days I’ll cut it down to 2 miles. I might just cry tomorrow. I also tried to do a bit of yoga afterwards, if nothing else to stretch out my poor legs. It’s really not as worthwhile without a good instructor, and I miss the 104* room at Expand Yoga in downtown Tacoma. I really noticed a difference when I went. When I get home again I’d like to go at least once a week, maybe twice. Plus it’s another excuse to run… it’s about 1.4 miles from my house.

They’re doing a rally-cross course on Top Gear [yeah we always watch the BBC actually]… if I didn’t love my little car as much as I do, I would jump at the chance to do that kind of craziness with it. I bet she would rock.

Today is the second time in a row that I have walked off and left my water bottle somewhere, then had to go back and get it. I should come up with a solution for this problem.

Haze Grey +6

So it’s been tough to write daily. Yesterday we got facebook back so I did that instead. I know, I know, slap my wrists and call me bad. Yesterday I also went to the dentist, who then told me I should go take a nap. So I did, and it was glorious. Setting someone up to fail big time tomorrow, not on purpose, but it’s just kind of an inevitability. Mandatory PT starts tomorrow, it makes me sad. I did just over 4 miles today in 45 minutes. Still keeping with my 11 min/mi average. Honestly if I got it down to 10 minutes I’d pass. That is on an elliptical though, and it’s so much easier to do that than run on a treadmill. I hate treadmills. I’d rather run on the street than on a treadmill. And you know, I really hate thinking about working out. I really really hate working out. I dread it so fiercely. It goes against everything I believe in, except wanting to be hot and flexible. But once I actually get out there, and once I get done, I do feel better. It’s just getting started that is so hard to do. I need more motivation. I’m thinking of doing some P90X or Insanity at home, except I don’t think that would work well in an upstairs apartment. Trying to get the videos from someone before we get home.

Apparently my old senile puppy-girl misses me even though she’s losing her mind. She’s safe with my mom down in CA, because she’s home more and has a yard and can make her more comfortable than I can in an apartment. I still feel like an asshole for letting her go. Maybe when we move I can bring her home. But she apparently misses me and doesn’t understand why I’m not there, so I need to send a pillow or a blanket or a shirt. I’m thinking of making her a blanket and then sleeping with it for a couple nights to get it to smell right. I don’t think we kept her doggie bed or I’d send that too. Maybe I’ll throw in some bones or treats or something because I feel guilty and I want her to be happy. It sounds like she is, but I feel so bad abandoning my dog. We got her when she was like a month old, way too early, and she’s been with me 13 or 14 of her 15 years. When I first moved to college she couldn’t come with me, but by the time I was a junior she was back. She stayed with my mom then too.

This is a photo of Nelly when she was “young,” back in 2000-ish. She was already about 5 by then I think.

Haze Grey +5

Getting harder and harder to write.

Today was annoying and stupid and maybe I’m just being hormonal but I can tell my attitude and my emotions are all out of whack. I don’t like it. So to kind of punish myself or something, I ran through two episodes of Tara instead of just one. I screwed up the program on the elliptical, but I can say I definitely hit 4.75 miles, and it was probably like 50 minutes or something. I guess my self-destructive body knows I did something good, because now it wants me to pig out. It’s weird, because my muscles don’t hurt, but my knees are starting to instead.

In other news, I’ve finished two new sets of crochet squares. Pics will be added when I get to SanD. I hope my girls are keeping up on their ends, but as someone said to me today, “it’s not like they have hours of watch to sit around and work on stuff.”

I also rigged some “test equipment” today, because I’m tired of getting sent all the way back to our shop because someone doesn’t know how to plan for a trouble call. It would have been prettier if I had access to a soldering iron, but I made it work just fine with some electrical tape.

PS. I now hate airplanes. I used to have a general affinity for them, thanks to my dad, but now… well… those jerks are loud and just ruin your day.

Haze grey +3

Forgot to write yesterday. Seems like everything is breaking all at the same time, we have been so busy lately.

My thought for the day is this: You can definitely tell which people are only children, and which ones were raised with brothers and sisters. Two of the gals I bunk with are fine and dandy and polite and friendly, and we try to stay out of each others’ way. Two of them must be on different schedules from me because I never ever see them. But one, oh the one… if I don’t make it out of bed before her in the morning, I’m screwed.

In other news, I may have lost my headphones somewhere inside my sleeping bag. But I ran 3 miles on the elliptical in 32 minutes. I know by most standards that’s slow as shit; almost 11 minutes per mile. I need to get down to a 10-minute mile or better, my goal is 1.5 in 15 minutes. [someone may need to check my math]. It’s cool because it seems like the way I arranged my schedule I was about 10 minutes ahead of one of said bunkmates, so it actually ran quite smoothly, and I still had time to eat. But if I’m going to do a repeat of that I need to go now, especially since I need to find my headphones… that way I can run and watch United States of Tara, courtesy of Miss J.T.