Sunday, May 8, 2016

Certainly Mixed Feelings...

I didn't want to deal with today being Mother's Day, but it's almost literally everywhere I look [at least online]. I have some really mixed emotions over the whole thing, and probably all too personal to rant about blindly online. This may come out vague, but hopefully it's the kind of vagueness that becomes poetic. We can only hope, right?

A very very intelligent and insightful woman who may have helped save my life once said, "the very first image of self that we have is what we see reflected in our mother's eyes. And if there's nothing there, for whatever reason--be it due to abandonment, addiction, abuse, or anything like that--it can have some lasting effects." [paraphrased at best] Now, I am not here to say that my mother doesn't love me and didn't always want the best for me. But wanting it and achieving it are two different things. As I've grown closer with other members of my family, I have found out more information about the past. Nothing terribly bad, but let's just say the drama runs strong in our family. My mother used to joke that "you would have moved out when you were 2 if you could have changed your own diapers!" It's a running gag on my super-independence. But you have to wonder... how does one gain that much independence at such a young age? Perhaps out of self-preservation... the necessity to care for oneself on an emotional or intellectual level. Our relationship was "good" at some point, but quickly degenerated over the past few years. It's one of those "out of self-preservation" cut ties.

We had some good times, us three.

The other running joke is that I "have the maternal instincts of a rock"--at least, as far as human children are concerned. Give me a puppy or a kitten and it's a different story. Now, I don't even know if I can physically have children, and due to extenuating circumstances, I will probably never find out for sure. It's a beast of a thing to come to terms with, but I was always on the fence about kids anyways. Now many of my friends are getting pregnant and having children over the past year or two... and I have a pup. Don't get me wrong, I totally adore this dog, and he sure as hell acts like my kid... but I'm not sure how I feel about leaving zero genetic legacy on this earth. My genes are awesome! I love my roots. But I guess it's not meant to be. And for the millionth time, adoption is not out of the question, but just not right now.

Puppy Smiles will have to suffice.

It's kind of depressing to think of being 31 with no hope of children any time soon. But at the same time, no offense to you moms, but a kid would ruin my life. I'm definitely too selfish, and aside from that I can hardly keep my life in order--I don't need to be legally and morally responsible for screwing up [or not] another human. There's always a chance down the road that some family member is going to need someone to care for their offspring, for whatever reasons.

Basically I find myself stuck in this awkward middle ground. I no longer carry a relationship with my own mother--so nothing to celebrate there... but I'm also tehnically no one's mother--so nothing to celebrate there, either. I feel kind of numb about it. It's bittersweet, sure... It's like I want to feel something, but can't. Even if that something was anger or rage or hurt or sad, it would be something to grasp onto, something to explore and understand.

I am happy and excited for my mom-to-be friends, and the recently mothered. Hooray for you guys. And my heart deeply, sorely goes out to a friend who lost her pregnancy recently and is coping with this holiday. I can't imagine how much more pain she is in than I. I also feel like I should take the moment to appreciate the other women in my life, who have mothered me in other ways--moms aren't always biological, I suppose. My "big-shot" Auntie has always jokingly claimed she was my real mom, and she has taught me understanding, compassion, and manners.  My grandmother, who certainly tried to share her love, even when we two black sheep didn't understand or threw it back in her face--what a saint to open her arms to me now. My Step-mom, who embraced the challenges of stepping into an empty role and sticking with it [and learning from me, perhaps, to be a great mom to her own kids]. To my friend's mom, who always treated me as one of her own brood, despite the years and distance and even my withdrawal during some tough times [thanks for chili and white Russians]. And her daughter has spent a time or two mothering me as well, usually being the voice of reason [now it's your turn to be impulsive, brash, and have some fun!]. The doctor I quoted above, who helped me see my situation in a different light, and helped me find the strength to start my life over--I still feel like I owe her an enormous thank you. JT & EK, who have mothered me in spirit, even though we're probably more like sisters in the end. To the moon who gives us an inner light, and the Earth who is home and womb to us all. To all the goddesses and divine representations of the nurturing female spirit... you don't live much in me, but the little light that shines for "cripples, bastards, and broken things" comes from you.

I guess I feel a little better now.

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