Friday, June 17, 2016

Dat Struggle, Tho.

I'm feeling awful and have taken a Benadryl, so this blog is kind of a race against whatever length of time before that knocks me out. The reason I'm writing is somewhat related to feeling like crap though, so yeah. I think I have it figured out though... Cash goes out in the yard, and the grass is tall, and he runs around in the grass, and then sometimes rolls in the dirt too. So I'm not allergic to Cash, but he's covered in the crap that I AM allergic to. He's gonna get a bath tomorrow when I feel less crappy.

Anyways, on Tuesday I accompanied Honey to some friends' house. It's like Gear Heaven in there. He's been politely pushing for me to come with for a few weeks, and since I'm out of class I finally had enough free time to go. Now you have to understand, I've been somewhat avoiding music for about 2 years now... thanks to some unpleasant past experiences. But I've finally broken that hiatus and went to jam. I actually had a really great time and experienced music in a way I haven't in so long. It was relieving. I don't think I can really explain the gravity of this to other people, but trust me, kind of a big deal, k? I was planning on writing this whole long thing about that, but I ended up having to shift my focus thanks to my body.

We were supposed to go back today. Woke up to an allergy attack [yay]--the meds the VA gave me stopped working, and even when I take 24-hour Allegra it only lasts for about 12 hours. Anyways, I went to Costco for a few things but forgot about my physical therapy appointment, so ended up being super rushed. I was go-go-go-go for a few hours. Decided to take a nap before heading out to jam, so that I'd be able to keep up tonight. Well, that didn't work out so well in my favor. I really wanted to go. I did. But when he woke me up to say it was time to go, I couldn't. I'm not sure why, it didn't seem like today took that much out of me, but I guess it did. And so this is the struggle we face... do we pretend like nothing's wrong and put ourselves through hell so we can have experiences and connections? Or do we give our body what it needs [or at least what we think it needs] and baby our fragile selves? I'm missing out tonight, but hoping that Babe doesn't wear himself out so much that we bail on tomorrow. This is the struggle. The struggle between trying to fit in and function like a "normal" human, but also trying to take it easy. It's a very very fine line that we have to straddle on a daily basis. You have to push because pushing is good for you, but you can't push too much or you'll regret it.

The second point that I want to make is this: It was so comforting and relieving to have someone understand this. He did not push, did not guilt, did not manipulate. He made sure I would be okay, that I didn't need anything, and that I wouldn't miss him too awful much if he went without me. This. So much this. Now that I see what a relationship of partners is like, I am constantly amazed. And even though things aren't always perfect [because there's no such thing] I understand how it's supposed to work now.

Side note: Have been doing a lot of research into runes and chakras. Given the downtime from school, I've been doing a bit of art lately. It takes me weeks to do anything because I work with layers that have to dry. Unfortunately, I need smaller brushes to be ab;e to finish the color, but, here is one of a 7-peice set.

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