Trigger Points and More

So it's been a helluva week, a helluva month even. Lots of consistent stressors and more to do than usual. I got knocked out of my biphasic sleep schedule, but I've still got the insomnia part that has been keeping me up til 3 or 4 in the morning. My involuntary jaw-clenching of course helps cause tension headaches, and the extra screen time I've been putting in has caused my vision to start going wonky, culminating in a migraine yesterday. On top of all that, or possibly part of the cause of all that, is that I skipped yoga this week. I've been going once a week pretty steadily, but wanting to go twice a week... and this week I went none. I can really tell a difference in my upper body.

On Friday, my fantastic hunny sent me to a massage--he says it's a pre-apology for how much time he's going to spend playing DOOM [what a keeper!]. He asked them for deep tissue and Trigger Point Therapy, which is something I've always wanted to try. Now, I've had many massages before, and even some that I considered more therapeutic than relaxing. But this--holy crap. This was a beast of a totally different color, and practically a different species. Holy crap. Two days later, I am still sore.

But I'm not complaining. No, not at all. See, that was closer to physical therapy than massage. I've been waiting for the VA to send me for myofascial release, but they have instead scheduled me with a hand therapist--twice! And they were both different therapists! [side note, there's your free healthcare, folks, are you prepared for that?] When the massage gal saw myofascial release on my paperwork, she perked up and asked if I was also a massage therapist. I told her no, I just study a lot of topics.

So way back when, I transferred high schools. Different states, even. And of course they had different standards. Because of the timing, it turned out I was short half a PE class. Top 10% of the graduating class, but they wanted that PE credit out of me. We managed to rig a sort of independent study with the community college. And that summer is where I was introduced to myofascial release. When she stretched my neck, I could hear things breaking up. It was absolutely insane. Anyways, that was a tangent.

So she is apparently the "3rd deepest" therapist they have, and holy crap I can't believe there's more levels. She very most definitely had her elbow in my shoulder blade at some point, and the knots ranged from feeling hot, burning, stabbing, dull, you name it. I came home and took a nice Epsom-CBD bath. Still sore the next day, but at least I could mostly function. I'm still sore today, but I can see how doing that on a regular basis could be very beneficial. Also, she has Fibro and scoliosis, so relatability--she said the reason she became a therapist was because of her Fibro, and she wanted to help people deal with problems like that. I don't know how she manages to keep that job on top of her conditions, she must be a tough cookie.

My face was hurting. That's a little abnormal for me unless I've got the sniffles causing sinus pressure. But all week my cheekbones have just ached. When she was working on my jaw line, she asked, "Are you clenching your jaw?" I assumed she meant in general, as in, establishing patterns... yeah no she meant right that second. And I wasn't. So my muscles are so tense that even when I'm "relaxed" they still feel max contracted. Hooray.

One thing that we talked about, which I had totally forgotten about, was Thoracic Outlet Syndrome. Basically it's a nerve impingement caused by your own anatomy [yay!]. I had completely forgotten about it--but the person who introduced me to it was also a massage therapist. She was working on a point in my trap area, and my fingers started going numb. Big sign. She asked if I'd ever had neck x-rays, which is a big negatory. The impingement can be caused by all sorts of things--inflammation, mostly, but also something called a cervical rib, which of course the VA isn't going to give a crap about looking for. It's vestigial :D

But here's what I remembered. As a kid, middle school aged, my mom insisted I try sports. I played a year or so of soccer, but the running absolutely killed me. In addition to your average side-stitch, I would get an absolutely horrendous stabbing and throbbing pain--can you guess where? Under my clavicle. Where the Thoracic Outlet impingement happens. It was the same with basketball, and even in the military. I've always just sucked it up because I figured "oh, I'm just out of shape," but no, it's actually a thing. If I may be somewhat facetious, I had a better understanding of my body at the age of 13 than most doctors do now. Kind of freaking sad.

I tried to see what I could find about kinesiotaping and TOS, but sadly there are almost no resources that combine those two topics. Why the hell not?! Obviously, if the nerve is impinged, soothing the muscles and pulling them away from that area might ease the pain. [but I did find a nifty neck tape that I am going to try today]. It's kind of hard to tape yourself in the ways I need done, so I'm having to wait until the man-thing rolls out of bed, but I will follow up with pictures and details.

Certainly Mixed Feelings...

I didn't want to deal with today being Mother's Day, but it's almost literally everywhere I look [at least online]. I have some really mixed emotions over the whole thing, and probably all too personal to rant about blindly online. This may come out vague, but hopefully it's the kind of vagueness that becomes poetic. We can only hope, right?

A very very intelligent and insightful woman who may have helped save my life once said, "the very first image of self that we have is what we see reflected in our mother's eyes. And if there's nothing there, for whatever reason--be it due to abandonment, addiction, abuse, or anything like that--it can have some lasting effects." [paraphrased at best] Now, I am not here to say that my mother doesn't love me and didn't always want the best for me. But wanting it and achieving it are two different things. As I've grown closer with other members of my family, I have found out more information about the past. Nothing terribly bad, but let's just say the drama runs strong in our family. My mother used to joke that "you would have moved out when you were 2 if you could have changed your own diapers!" It's a running gag on my super-independence. But you have to wonder... how does one gain that much independence at such a young age? Perhaps out of self-preservation... the necessity to care for oneself on an emotional or intellectual level. Our relationship was "good" at some point, but quickly degenerated over the past few years. It's one of those "out of self-preservation" cut ties.

We had some good times, us three.

The other running joke is that I "have the maternal instincts of a rock"--at least, as far as human children are concerned. Give me a puppy or a kitten and it's a different story. Now, I don't even know if I can physically have children, and due to extenuating circumstances, I will probably never find out for sure. It's a beast of a thing to come to terms with, but I was always on the fence about kids anyways. Now many of my friends are getting pregnant and having children over the past year or two... and I have a pup. Don't get me wrong, I totally adore this dog, and he sure as hell acts like my kid... but I'm not sure how I feel about leaving zero genetic legacy on this earth. My genes are awesome! I love my roots. But I guess it's not meant to be. And for the millionth time, adoption is not out of the question, but just not right now.

Puppy Smiles will have to suffice.

It's kind of depressing to think of being 31 with no hope of children any time soon. But at the same time, no offense to you moms, but a kid would ruin my life. I'm definitely too selfish, and aside from that I can hardly keep my life in order--I don't need to be legally and morally responsible for screwing up [or not] another human. There's always a chance down the road that some family member is going to need someone to care for their offspring, for whatever reasons.


Basically I find myself stuck in this awkward middle ground. I no longer carry a relationship with my own mother--so nothing to celebrate there... but I'm also tehnically no one's mother--so nothing to celebrate there, either. I feel kind of numb about it. It's bittersweet, sure... It's like I want to feel something, but can't. Even if that something was anger or rage or hurt or sad, it would be something to grasp onto, something to explore and understand.

I am happy and excited for my mom-to-be friends, and the recently mothered. Hooray for you guys. And my heart deeply, sorely goes out to a friend who lost her pregnancy recently and is coping with this holiday. I can't imagine how much more pain she is in than I. I also feel like I should take the moment to appreciate the other women in my life, who have mothered me in other ways--moms aren't always biological, I suppose. My "big-shot" Auntie has always jokingly claimed she was my real mom, and she has taught me understanding, compassion, and manners.  My grandmother, who certainly tried to share her love, even when we two black sheep didn't understand or threw it back in her face--what a saint to open her arms to me now. My Step-mom, who embraced the challenges of stepping into an empty role and sticking with it [and learning from me, perhaps, to be a great mom to her own kids]. To my friend's mom, who always treated me as one of her own brood, despite the years and distance and even my withdrawal during some tough times [thanks for chili and white Russians]. And her daughter has spent a time or two mothering me as well, usually being the voice of reason [now it's your turn to be impulsive, brash, and have some fun!]. The doctor I quoted above, who helped me see my situation in a different light, and helped me find the strength to start my life over--I still feel like I owe her an enormous thank you. JT & EK, who have mothered me in spirit, even though we're probably more like sisters in the end. To the moon who gives us an inner light, and the Earth who is home and womb to us all. To all the goddesses and divine representations of the nurturing female spirit... you don't live much in me, but the little light that shines for "cripples, bastards, and broken things" comes from you.

I guess I feel a little better now.

Getting Poked With Tiny Needles, Round One.

So as you may or may not know, I have fibromyalgia. It sucks, but it's not going away any time soon, so I just cope day by day. For the most part it's manageable, although I don't function at 100%. On a good day, about 80%... but on a bad day, when my muscles are stiff and achy and everything is too bright or too loud and a migraine is creeping up... then I only get about 20% of peopling done, and basically try to sleep until it's better.

My case isn't nearly as bad as some others, and for that I am thankful. I'm lucky to avoid most of the digestive symptoms, and little to no chemical sensitivities. And paradoxically, mine tends to get worse in the summer [as opposed to the winter]. For some reason, the summer just saps all my energy and everything is like that Tsunami Bomb song, "Swimming Through Molasses." Most folks with fibro also have something called Reynaud's syndrome, where basically any time you get cold your circulation shuts down in your hands and feet and they turn blue and cold. And of course, painful. Not so much for me.

See that pressure change? Yuck.

But the one thing that's worse than exhausting summer heat? This lovely back and forth weather we've been having in Western WA. Up, down, hot, cold, humid, dry. I can cope with even summer time if it's consistent. Once my body adjusts, I can deal. But when you're alternating between hoodies and fuzzy socks to tank tops and shorts every other day... well that just sucks. It's more miserable than it just being hot and yucky. I probably didn't think that through when I scheduled my first acupuncture appointment.

I had good luck with massage--which is also backwards of "most" fibro people. For me it loosens up the muscles that get stuck, and anything that hurts is one of those "good" hurts where it's worth it. My doc has referred me for myofascial release therapy, which I love, but so far the appointment hasn't come through yet [same principle behind the kinesiotape that I adore]. Anyways, my stepmom enjoyed acupuncture for her neck and back issues, and she advised that it's at least worth a shot. Since I've been getting more into alternative health practices I figured I'd give it a fair try. From what I understand, it's kind of one of those things that gets worse before it gets better. At least, I hope that's how it works. The doc warned me that most people tend to feel sore the day afterwards, especially the first session. Well, I haven't slept yet and it's only been about two hours since my session, and I already hurt. I'm not sure how much to blame on the weather, but wow I am achy. I feel like my neck and shoulder have the flu--it's like my beginning flares all over again. Thankfully I have hunny and puppy and snacks... but unfortunately, I also have a trig exam tomorrow.

This ended up taking more setup than I anticipated, and less about acupuncture. Long story not much shortened, Ow. But, I know it takes a few sessions to "kick in" so I'm giving it another few tries before I call it a no-go. Luckily, I've been sticking to biphasic sleep more-or-less, so I'm going to take a nap [sleep #1] and study when I'm more refreshed.

Back in the Saddle, Plus More!

So, by now you all know that I'm hit or miss with blogging. I always hope to fall into a regular routine, but it ends up being very difficult for me. Part of that struggle is that when life is interesting, there's no time to write... but when I have time to write, it usually means I'm not up to much of anything.

With that in mind, I'm considering running a series of stories from our adventures on Flogging Molly's Salty Dog Cruise 2016. We had so much fun, and it was so awesome, but the level of detail to do our adventures justice would require multiple posts. We've already put down the deposit for our cabin next year, and I HIGHLY recommend YOU come with us!! We're already planning hijinks.


After we returned from the Cruise [and our accidental pit stop in Denver, thanks to a combination of food poisoning and bad weather], my quarter started at school. When you factor in the wedding, this is my first quarter with ZERO distractions--I am able to focus entirely on school and learning. It helps that Matchu is so supportive. He takes care of a lot of the little things so that I don't have to stop what I'm doing, and I can stay at campus longer and make sure my assignments get done on time. So far, it's been paying off! Surprisingly, my entry-level engineering course is actually the most work, and I'm not struggling much with Trig. Java... well, bless his heart he's trying to teach. It's not great. But, I'm having a lot of fun fooling around with code.

This is the very first mixed media project I did.
I keep it hanging over my desk.

Part of the reason that I think I'm doing better this quarter is that I am embracing my true nature. "To thine own self be true," said Mel Gibson. Just kidding, it was totally Polonius. But yeah, embracing yourself is much easier than fighting against yourself. What do I mean by this? Let me give you a couple examples. I've taken a lot of pressure off of myself to focus or complete one task entirely. Instead, I will do bits and pieces of things until I get settled. It may seem disorganized, but I've actually managed to accomplish more by doing this than by dreading every task ever. Another thing that I am accepting is a biphasic sleep schedule. I've written about this before, and I've done this before, and now that I can control my whole life, I keep coming back to it. Again, it helps to have a supportive partner who holds such vomitously cute beliefs as, "as long as you're sleeping next to me, and we get to cuddle, it's like spending time together."

For some reason, the days that I have every class, I come home exhausted. I'm not sure why--it's not like I have to hike up a mountain or walk to school or anything. My guess is that either a) using that much brain power to concentrate, think, focus, study, process information is tiring; OR b) being around that many people in one day is exhausting. I wish I could explain this idea in more depth, but think of it in a metaphysical, personal space kind of way. Either way, the days I only have one class, I am much less tired. But on the days I have all my classes, I have to take a long nap. Instead of fighting  to stay awake and making myself miserable, I can make the best of it and adjust. I usually sleep for 2-3 hours, and then either go to yoga or do homework. Then I'm free to stay up til at least midnight, which is a much more natural time for me to go to "bed." But since I've already gotten one sleep cycle out of the way, waking up around 8 am is no longer a miserable ordeal. I'm actually settling into a nice routine of taking out the pup, making coffee, etc.

Who'da Thunk

Paraphrased at Best:
"Go home, eat the best food you can find, and drink lots of water. As always, practice kindness--And start with the person on the mat first. When your cup is full, let it overflow onto others."

From another angle: "Take care of yourself first--you can't heal others if you're too broken."
[Unless your name is Chiron...]

There's a reason the verb for doing yoga is "to practice." It's been a while, but honestly I can say I feel great. It's slightly frustrating though, and a little difficult to stay positive, because I remember what I used to be capable of... and I'm nowhere near that right now. But thinking of that word, "practice," reminded me of band practice. I think in life I need a thing to practice. I may have stepped away from the music, but I have been feeling a calling lately. Part of it is because of the cruise--they have an open jam every night and I'm hoping I still have the chops to follow a guitarist and fake my way through a song or two. My practice used to be music [and rage, I suppose, haha]. Now, my practice will be yoga [and peace].

In case you missed the bulletin, my favoritest yoga studio moved to a much more acceptable location. I used to be able to jog the mile down to the studio before I left the apartment. Until they moved [opening night was literally tonight], I had to drive over, park down town, pay for that or risk the ticket, etc etc. Now I'm back within walking range. I am so excited for that. I'll be starting a 30 day challenge on my next chance. Goal Pose [just realized that it is ironic]:

If you had told 16 year old me that I'd be heading home from yoga, looking forward to leftover Indian food, and snuggling up to my sweetheart vet ... I would have laughed in your face until I suffocated. Ask anyone who knew me, they'd agree. But now, I couldn't ask for more. [Okay actually I could, but I'm sure it will work out later].