Salt is the New Burn

Well, for me anyways.

But mostly, lots of fire.

Have you heard of Burning Man? If you haven't, it's this wild week long festival where a bunch of strangers go hang out in the desert and live it up. There's tons of music, sex, and drugs, but also more than that--from what I understand. I'm basing this assumption off of some friends who go religiously; and actually, it kind of does seem like a spiritual adventure. There's a sense of community and belonging that does not usually exist in the "real" world. There's a freedom to it. And also lots of paint, fire, costumes, and I don't even know what else.

Now personally, I have never been able to take Burning Man totally seriously. I mean, there are people like my friends, who look at it as a life changing event, and something they do every year. But there are also some people who are just dirty hippies who like drugs and sex [no offense to said hippies, of course]. But if you think about it, it seems like the happiest people do have some sort of annual [ish] ritual of getting away and being ultimately free. My aunt used to hit some hot springs in Colorado for a few days each year; my guess is it was a similar experience for her.

This is our version.

Back in March, hunny and I went on the Salty Dog cruise. It's been about five months since we've been back, but seriously, that trip did so much good for both of us. It was amazing. It was rejuvenating. He went expecting to wear a fake grin and suffer through it because it was "my people" and technically my birthday present... but by the first night he was just as caught up in the atmosphere as I was. Granted, he sat out the Rancid mosh pit, but at the same time he never once judged or complained about me insisting on being up front. Instead he sat out on the balcony making friends--I swear, the most antisocial, awkward, kid ever at home; you put him in a situation like this and suddenly he oozes charisma and attracts cool people.

Since we've returned home, we've booked tickets for the next cruise, and joined a few facebook groups related to the cruise. The community is insane. In the best way! To you, it may seem like throwing a few thousand punk rockers on a fancy cruise ship and giving them unlimited alcohol is a bad idea... it's so not. I don't even know if there were any fights! Everyone is so happy to be there, and having the time of their lives, that there's no need for drama. There's nothing but friendship and One Love. You know when you're in a mosh pit and someone goes down, and suddenly everyone's priority is finding the person who's down? That's One Love. That feels. That community.

So much help. So much love. No one left behind. It's amazing. If you want to go be wild with strangers, great! If you want to chill and relax low key, also great! Forgot something? Here take mine! Hey, here's a bracelet! On top of seeing a couple of my favorite bands [on a boat! and on a private island!] we were also spoiled half to death by the crew. Atlantis may have been not worth the price, but seeing my honey floating in the ocean waves with the biggest smile on his face... so worth it. The food was awesome. The whole atmosphere is amazing. And this feel, I imagine, is why people go to Burning Man.

This flag showed up all weekend.
This shot is during the Skinny Lister push off party.

We came home and booked SDC17 as soon as they'd let us. Also joined a few of the fb groups. And let me say, these people... they're amazing. They understand. They entertain. I've always been one of these people, surrounded by takers. It is so comforting and [relaxing... enlightening... I can't find the word I want] to be surrounded by others like this. I'm not saying that I don't know people like this in my life, but they are fewer and further between than the assholes. So to be completely surrounded by these people... and then to acknowledge that I'm one of them... and I'm in love with one of them... It's so amazing. I suppose I've fallen into shameless rambling, but it's a point I'm not sure if I'll ever make. To help explain, I really do think I will start posting memories of little moments throughout the cruise, just to illustrate the unspeakable that I'm trying to share.

I have been looking forward to SDC17 from the first night of the last cruise. It's going to be a big thing for us, I'm sure. A ritual, a tradition. It is something we literally need. It's amazing and I'm so thankful that we took the jump last year and booked our cabin. Everything involved was worth so much more than the financial cost.  I can't wait until next year--as veteran cruisers I know we're going to have about 10x more fun than we did this past year!

Shameless plug. If you're interested in the Cruise, please click. The lineup alone is worth the price, I promise. Imagine a three day Warped Tour. On a cruise ship.

MIP: Meal in Progress

Often I find myself looking for a recipe for guidance, but nothing I can find quit fits the bill. So I tend to do a lot of experimental cooking. Actually, lately I haven't been doing much cooking at all, but that's another story. But unless I'm baking, I generally skim recipes for the important numbers and move on to throwing things in a pot or pan together. The recipe below is currently about half cooked, but I wanted to write it out to help me plan out what I'm doing, because I know I started with a great idea, but I'm a little foggy today and don't want to screw up the plans I had before I forgot what I was doing [slight exaggeration].

Half-Crocked Greek Lemon Orzo Chicken

[get it?! ba-dum-tssss!]

Throw some frozen chicken in your crockpot. At least enough to cover the bottom, more if you're feeding a small army. Legs, breast, bones, no bones, your choice. You could use fresh too, obviously, but I buy frozen in bulk at Costco because it's cheaper and lasts longer. Sample white wine. Cover chicken with about 1-2 cups of wine... finish the bottle yourself. Sprinkle chicken pile with olive oil, lemon juice, and seasonings. I have a salt-free Greek that I used, plus some extra garlic, lemon pepper, and basil. Also smooshed fresh garlic cloves [I used about 5 or 6 because the Italian and I are trying to keep our vampirism in check /s] My crockpot is practically turbo powered, so right now it's on low for an hour--then I'll check the chicken for doneness.

Chop an onion. Ruin your make up. Sprinkle a little sugar to help carmelize it when you sweat it later. Cut cherry tomatoes into halves or quarters, whatever you consider bite-sized. Throw them in a baggie with a little Balsamic vinegar. Chunk two zucchinis, throw in a baggie with Italian dressing. Toss both bags in the fridge until the chicken is cooked. If you're feeling antsy, chop-slice some fresh spinach. Ideally, we are going to sweat the onions in some olive oil first, then throw in the marinated veggies, then wilt the spinach in last [all in the same pan, just stagger them out because they need to cook for different times].

Last time I tried orzo in the crockpot, it was practically ruined. But I figured out why--I cooked it way too much. That's why it's still in the box sitting next to the crockpot right now, and everything is waiting. So my theory is, once the chicken is cooked, toss in the sautéed veggies, adjust the liquid [I think I'm out of chicken stock though] and add the orzo. Apparently orzo only needs about 30 min in the crock, and about 2 c. of liquid. If you've never worked with orzo before, be careful! A little goes a long way. The first time I ever made it I made a whole box, and most of it was untouched. I'm planning to use about half a box, but I'm basically a visual chef, so I do all my "measuring" by guesstimating. Still debating on whether I'm going to shred the chicken or leave it in cutlets. You can top with parmesan or feta.

Update: Added pics. Also since we were out of broth [as I suspected], I did find a can of cream of chicken... added that with a can of water, and a little more lemon juice.

Epiphanies!

I just searched Pinterest for "gym hacks."
Yes.
I really did.
No, I'm not dying, have not been kidnapped or ransomed, and I am of sound mind [ish] and making this statement of my own free will.

I have never been athletic. My mom tried to make me stick with team sports, because she said it taught you how to interact with people. But between all the moving, I never did get to build the relationships you're supposed to build. Every school I'd switch to a different sport, never really able to stick with any of them. I tried softball, basketball, soccer... couldn't stick with 'em. Did not enjoy sports, or the team aspect. We finally agreed that I'd start doing theatre instead of sports to work on speaking instead.

I have never enjoyed working out. I hated PE class, and actually, because of transfer credits I almost didn't graduate because I was short one semester. In college, I went to the gym a couple times, felt alienated and ostracized, knew I didn't belong in that world. After college, mostly the same. Never happy with my body, but couldn't find some way to work out that I enjoyed to a degree that would overpower the "meh". I had no inspiration, no drive, no desire... Well, when it came to sports and crap, I mean.

Then I ended up needing to join the military. I had to get into shape before I could leave for bootcamp even. I went to the gym twice a day because I needed to. Not because I wanted to. But, it was during this time I was introduced to heavybag boxing workouts. The gym I went to [no longer in business] had a heavy bag room, with a grid of maybe 5 by 5 bags. There were a few different classes, and some were more like cross training, or actual workouts in preparation for boxing. But my favorite one was taught by a rock hard, insane, lady in her 50s. She was intense. It was like circuit training plus boxing plus step aerobics plus oh yeah running laps. I loved the hell out of it.

Fast forward. Hated working out all through the military, but was able to suffer through it because it was a "need" not a want. I had the external pressure, extrinisic motivation if you've seen the documentary 'Happiness' [not that other film with Phillip Seymour Hoffman, that was... messed up] but point is, even though I couldn't find the motivation to enjoy working out, I could rationalize it or force myself to get through it. Somewhere in the middle of my military years, I started going to hot yoga. I'd always hated the idea of yoga, it seemed somehow inferior or lazy. I also hated the stereotype of people who went to yoga often.

Well, I fell in love with hot yoga. Or more specifically, I fell in love with Expand Yoga. Because I've gone to other studios since them... And I've done yoga on a carrier after the sun has gone down in the middle of the Persian Gulf. And none of that holds up to the way Expand makes me feel. I've been off-and-on since they opened. When they moved locations, I was ecstatic. I've been going to yoga somewhat consistently for the past 3-4 months, and I am slightly embarrassed to admit how much I enjoy it now and how much of a positive change it has had on my life.

Babe has, to different degrees, joked and or suggested I work out with him. Our awesome roomie has a weight set that he shares with the house. I hate lifting weights more than pretty much everything ever [except maybe Pilates]. It is just not for me. I find it tedious as hell. But. A friend of ours has a heavy bag. When I found this out, I started to get excited. Completely forgot about it. Then tonight, I got the urge to listen to MSI. And I remembered what a great band they would be for boxing. And my goofy ass started shadowboxing in the bathroom. That's when my smart brain caught up with the rest of me, and figured out a plan for how to buy a new setup for friend [who was wanting to upgrade] and have him then "sell" us his "old" one. Tadah!! Well, I started looking online at boxing gear, and come to find out, it's not even that expensive! The store didn't have the size our friend wanted, but turns out even starting from scratch it's not that expensive to get into. We already have the other equipment [weights and elliptical] moved to the garage, and storing a friend's items comes with courtesy use of the tv in the garage... things started coming together in my head and I... actually... got excited about fitness.

Yes. Me. That's how I know that it's what I need to do. Because it's the one thing I actually get excited about, besides yoga. Because I know that if I actually enjoy this, and have a drive within myself to do it, then I actually stand a much greater chance of sticking with it. We've been putting off trying out one of the ilovekickboxing gyms, but the thought of going back to a class kind of sparked some social anxiety. But instead, me and my love can kick ass, make our own playlists, and enjoy time together and privacy by boxing at home.

I recently had a friend post about her "third workout of the day," a concept that just blew my mind. I tried to explain how envious I was of her attitude, and this is how she responded:
"I mean it's all mental in a way. I've hit funks here and there and went for long periods of time without working out due to stress of being to tired from work to have the energy. But even now, I'm stressed to the limit at my new command but working out gives me that release. You gotta just tell yourself that you're gonna be the change and you're gonna do it."

And the way for me to do that....... is obviously boxing. Because it's the only thing that made me FEEL. The idea of boxing in the morning, walking the dog, and going to hot yoga at night doesn't scare me, doesn't turn my stomach, or make me want to hide... it sounds like actual FUN.

Dat Struggle, Tho.

I'm feeling awful and have taken a Benadryl, so this blog is kind of a race against whatever length of time before that knocks me out. The reason I'm writing is somewhat related to feeling like crap though, so yeah. I think I have it figured out though... Cash goes out in the yard, and the grass is tall, and he runs around in the grass, and then sometimes rolls in the dirt too. So I'm not allergic to Cash, but he's covered in the crap that I AM allergic to. He's gonna get a bath tomorrow when I feel less crappy.

Anyways, on Tuesday I accompanied Honey to some friends' house. It's like Gear Heaven in there. He's been politely pushing for me to come with for a few weeks, and since I'm out of class I finally had enough free time to go. Now you have to understand, I've been somewhat avoiding music for about 2 years now... thanks to some unpleasant past experiences. But I've finally broken that hiatus and went to jam. I actually had a really great time and experienced music in a way I haven't in so long. It was relieving. I don't think I can really explain the gravity of this to other people, but trust me, kind of a big deal, k? I was planning on writing this whole long thing about that, but I ended up having to shift my focus thanks to my body.

We were supposed to go back today. Woke up to an allergy attack [yay]--the meds the VA gave me stopped working, and even when I take 24-hour Allegra it only lasts for about 12 hours. Anyways, I went to Costco for a few things but forgot about my physical therapy appointment, so ended up being super rushed. I was go-go-go-go for a few hours. Decided to take a nap before heading out to jam, so that I'd be able to keep up tonight. Well, that didn't work out so well in my favor. I really wanted to go. I did. But when he woke me up to say it was time to go, I couldn't. I'm not sure why, it didn't seem like today took that much out of me, but I guess it did. And so this is the struggle we face... do we pretend like nothing's wrong and put ourselves through hell so we can have experiences and connections? Or do we give our body what it needs [or at least what we think it needs] and baby our fragile selves? I'm missing out tonight, but hoping that Babe doesn't wear himself out so much that we bail on tomorrow. This is the struggle. The struggle between trying to fit in and function like a "normal" human, but also trying to take it easy. It's a very very fine line that we have to straddle on a daily basis. You have to push because pushing is good for you, but you can't push too much or you'll regret it.

The second point that I want to make is this: It was so comforting and relieving to have someone understand this. He did not push, did not guilt, did not manipulate. He made sure I would be okay, that I didn't need anything, and that I wouldn't miss him too awful much if he went without me. This. So much this. Now that I see what a relationship of partners is like, I am constantly amazed. And even though things aren't always perfect [because there's no such thing] I understand how it's supposed to work now.

Side note: Have been doing a lot of research into runes and chakras. Given the downtime from school, I've been doing a bit of art lately. It takes me weeks to do anything because I work with layers that have to dry. Unfortunately, I need smaller brushes to be ab;e to finish the color, but, here is one of a 7-peice set.

Achievement Unlocked!

First of all, my conscience will not let me start a blog on this day without taking a moment to acknowledge the holiday. Today is Memorial Day, where we take a moment to pause in remembrance for those who have fallen for the survival of our country. We pause to thank them for their sacrifice and appreciate the freedoms we have because of them. [side note: I think they'd all be quite appalled at the state of things if they could see America "the Beautiful" now...] So, a moment of respect and reverence for "those who have gone before  [us] to defend freedom and democracy around the world. "

Greater love hath no one than he who lays down his life for his friend.

Speaking of Love, that's what I actually wanted to write about today. Well, more accurately, Balance. Okay, Balance AND Love. That was the blessing my mom always asked for me. It was my goal in life to find the two. I used to think it meant that I needed to be balanced in order to find love. Turns out, that's not so true. Although I'm more balanced than I used to be, I've still got a long way to go. However, I've managed to find love, and I think it's the love that's bringing me into balance. We create the balance together because of our love. Let me illustrate.

For the past couple of days, I've been feeling really cruddy. And quite overworked with school. On days like this, my honey is the sweetest person in existence. He takes the best care of Sad Rolls. He brought me chocolate milk and a big cookie [the cookie was a surprise] and cleaned up around the house because I had a group meeting coming over. Days when I am at school all day, he cooks, cleans, or does yard work. He makes sure that I don't have to stress about little things at home so that I can focus on studies. He makes sure the puppy is cared for. That's great and all, but now check this out....

Today he got called in to drive for the dispensary where he used to volunteer. They pretty much only call him for emergencies now [but I'm guessing the "emergency" was someone's BBQ plans]. So he's a little grumpy about that, and didn't sleep well either. What I am about to say next is completely unspoken between us, unless it's in retrospect. But, today it's my turn to clean up the kitchen, make sure he has something to eat after being on the road, clean clothes, a soft place to come home and get some affection to refuel him throughout the day. Today it's my turn to take care of him. And not because I "owe him" for taking care of me yesterday. But because I love him. I don't owe him, I care. Big difference. Love cannot be tit for tat. There is a balance to be strck, yes, and there must be fairness; but you have to look at the overall. I don't do nice things for him because I feel bad, or guilty, or any negative hidden connotations. I do nice things for him because when he feels good, I feel good. I do nice things because it makes me feel good to do them. And it feels good because he notices and appreciates them. And I try my best to make sure that he knows I notice and appreciate what he does too.

We both struggle. We both hurt. We both have bad days... and good days! And we have them together. Because everything is better [or at least, less bad] together. Balance is not something you just achieve once and forget. Balance is an ongoing goal, one that takes constant adjustment. Kind of like yoga--it's a practice. It can get easier, but it's not always going to be at 100%. It fluctuates. Balance is an equal and even exchange of energies.

I have officially dried out my brain on the topic. I think there was more I wanted to write, but It's not flowing so I'm not going to force it. Instead I'm going to tape up my wrist and get to work on some of my school projects.