Saturday, April 12, 2014

[sigh of relief]

Say it with me now kids,
Nice, huh?

One of the best quotables I have ever heard came at the close of my yoga class. I'm paraphrasing here, but, our sweetheart of an instructor tells us, "I used to think that letting go was a bad thing. Until one day, someone explained it to me in the right way--Letting go is just another way of making room for the right thing." Okay, I really screwed it up this time, but you get the point. Suffice to say... for the second time in less than six months, I am having to let go of something. This time I am much more eager to let go, and I do truly believe it will be for the better. The last time it was scary; and don't get me wrong I am still terrified of this one, but I have a lot more confidence this time around. 

Remember my couple posts about how the military measures body fat wrong? How pear-shaped girls are at a major disadvantage? Well, as I expected, I failed my weigh-in again. That's my third strike on weight, so I'll be getting administratively discharged eventually. The conflict comes in because with my diagnosis of Fibromyalgia, I should have actually gotten a medical board started--basically, a medical discharge, because FMS is a disqualifying condition. Of course, the military is just as corrupt as any Mafia in films... they're going to try to save some money instead of taking care of a former servicemember. They're going to push for the admin discharge, of course, but they are underestimating me. I've still got some fight in me yet, and unfortunately for them, I'm a smart cookie. I can do research. I have been up to my eyeballs in regulations and instructions regarding both of these issues. My conclusion is this: One way or another, I will be out of the military in a couple months. I'd prefer it to be on medical grounds, but it looks like even if they push the admin discharge, I might have a fighting chance at making the medical stick. And if not, it should still count as an honorable discharge, which means HELLOOOOOO, GI BILL. Mama's goin back to school! I've also already gotten one voicemail about a telecommunications job, which is basically what I've been doing in the military. 

I'm very excited to be a civilian again and have my freedom back. I'm looking forward to taking a bit of time off to square things away--like getting my whole house cleaned up, relaxing and taking care of myself, things like that. I'm also already thinking about petty things like how I'm going to dye my hair and what piercings I can get while still remaining employable. I'm not going to say the military hasn't changed me. And I'm not going to imply that some of it hasn't been for the better. But the ways in which it has changed me... Well, I'm not really getting the opportunity to work on those things in a way that benefits me. Like running and doing yoga, de-stressing, meditating, things of that nature. Self Care. Life is all about self-care, and really all the military is doing is wearing me down. Things are certainly easier since the 160 lb rock was lifted off my shoulders and I have someone to walk beside me instead, but as I've found the past couple of weeks, I can't blame that rock for all my stress and misery. Cutting him out of my life was a big first step, and it helped a lot, but it wasn't the total cure. Now that the weigh-in's are over, and I have relief, I'm not starving myself and beating myself up mentally for every calorie I consume... I feel a million times better. Sure I still have a fight on my hands, and I still have to play the game until I get out officially; but seriously, my emotional state is much better now. 

In other news, last night we went to go see MSI in Seattle. And since I know someone in particular is going to read this, pardon the change in context.... 
I seriously cannot express verbally how much it meant to me to have you by my side. I know that wasn't probably great for you, but I appreciate how much effort you put in to showing me you care. I can only guess at how last night affected you, but I really had a great time and I hope it wasn't too bad for you too. Seriously. You know I am always amazed by the contrast between what my life has become and the life I had before, and that was just one more illustration of it. Words are important, but so are actions. Always & forever. 

Crafting and plants have somewhat fallen by the wayside with me trying to do so much research and fitness, just trying to scrape by, but I expect soon I'll be picking them back up. In ironic news, as soon as my car was completely paid off--a seven year feat with the killing blow landed by my Karma--it starts crapping out! No kidding, out of the blue my CD player stopped working. And of course there's lots of maintenance that needs doing... but it may mean replacing a lot of parts. Tires, breaks, tuneup are all top of the list. But anyways. I do believe I've run out of things to say......

No comments:

Post a Comment