Feelin' Like Death

I don't really have a whole lot to write about today, but I figured since I'm sick I might as well spend some time writing. That's at least semi-productive, right?

I have a pretty killer immune system. I rarely get sick. I'm more of a Typhoid Mary character--I bring the bugs home to everyone else. But when something does manage to get through my immune system, boy it sure hits hard. Usually this only happens once or twice a year--once in the spring, and once in the fall. In college, it usually managed to hit right around finals. On deployment, I really only got sick after vaccinations. After we got home, I only got sick when we got the flu shot. I'm not sure if I've even really been sick-sick since I got off the ship... But wow, this year it's killing me.

It comes in waves kind of. I'll feel fine for a little bit, functional at least, and then I'll be so miserable all I want to do is sleep--but unable to. This is Day Four of the sickness. I can never quite trust my brain or my body. I can't tell if I need to take it easy and heal, or if I need to suck it up and just get everything done. So far today has been a decent compromise--I slept in, went out for meds, and made some phone calls I'd been putting off. I also cleaned the bedroom fan and set up the humidifier I bought back in December--the dry air has been making my nose burn now that I'm sick. I'll probably spend the rest of the day crafting in bed--I have a special project for a friend who is opening her own salon. Nothing major, but I'm really excited for her and I hope her plans come together. I was going to try to tackle the laundry and also go to hot yoga, but now I'm thinking that might be pushing it a little.

Even though I'm sick and miserable, I'm really really thankful. I love that I have a comfy bed and a sweet puppy to curl up with. [That face! It's like he knows!] I love that I have an equally sweet man to spoil me, even though he thinks he never does enough [hint: he totally does]. I have everything I could ever ask for right now, and it feels sooooooo good.

Lots of Feel-Goods

Whew, where to begin?

The other day, I cleaned out my car and reinstalled the boom-boom in the backseat. Although it was unfortunate to see the lovely blue crystals on my battery terminal, the good news is I am competent enough to rewire things in my car. Thus, I has moar bass again. This of course spurned a loud ride to my doctors appointment this morning, blasting Bayside and singing along. And I realized, this guy here, he is one of the best songwriters I've heard--at least, since the likes of Matt Skiba and Dan Andriano. So simple, so straightforward, yet with that play on metaphors I love so much. Snarky, heartfelt word play, showing a glimpse of pain so deep you feel it too. The funny thing about Bayside is that even though his lyrics tend to be fairly specific, they are still so relateable. So, as Mrs. K predicted, I have spent my free time today cleaning my metaphorical wounds with ink and paint. One of the tips I'd been meaning to try was printing onto tissue paper, and holy crap. I'm not done with this one yet, but below is the progress so far. I'm waiting for the clear coat to dry before I start layering the tissue paper on. I'm really excited to see how it turns out, I'm just hoping I don't have the same issue with the ink bleeding that I did when I got into stamping.

One of the other wonderful things--aside from cooking home-made baked ziti from scratch [happy Italian], followed by crock-pot beef stew today... Anyways, now that we're all hungry, moving on.

If you know me at all, you know how pleased I am when I am able to help people. Especially good people. So although tomorrow I have to put the blasted uniform back on, I have been able to help someone because of it. A while back, someone from my bootcamp division separated and based on my descriptions, decided to move to WA. We talked about meeting up to jam a time or two, but it never panned out. After I made an off-handed comment online, he ended up coming over for dinner and socializing. Fun fact is, he's closer to my brother's age than mine! He's enlisted the Italian's help with navigating the VA, and today they have made quite a bit of progress. The boys are getting along famously, which makes me smile inside. As my dad said once, I have quite a soft spot for "puppy dogs and broken boys," and given the chance, I will feed and comfort both of them. When the holidays come around, I make a big effort to invite displaced military folks for meals. I realized last night, that it's almost like I've adopted a little brother--no offense to my actual little brother, he's just a little too cool to talk to me these days. He'll come around eventually, I'm sure, but living three states away doesn't help either.

Anyways, just the interactions between those two cracks me up and makes me happy. Loud music with good words. Making art, exploring, testing, results. Kitty cuddles, especially with a little rumble of purr... surprisingly my typing has yet to disturb Miss Z, who is draped across my arms at this very moment. Homecooked food. And of course, top it off with a bit of British humor. Ah, good days. I can't wait until my life is filled with this on a daily basis and punctuated with school and working with awesome people.

I hope you are all having some small victories or small happiness, and leave you with this--so at least if nothing else, you can say you saw a cute cat picture today.

Why I Love My House: A List

Well, I am only one car-load and a deep-clean away from turning in my keys to the apartment and walking away forever. It's kind of a good feeling. I am excited to put the past behind me and start walking forward for once. I am feeling a little antsy, like I want to continue unpacking, decluttering, organizing, or cleaning the new place; but I am just so beat that I can't. However, in my lounging I keep finding myself appreciating different parts and pieces of this new life. One thought led to another, and so I thought, 'Instead of just jumbled fragments, why don't I actually make a list of the things I like about this place?' In the words of my mother,  "...aaaaaand, so I did."


1. This guy lives here. 'Nuff said.

2. THIS. So Much This. Not only do we have a garage, but our garage has an additional shop. It's big enough to share, so one side is devoted to guns and camping, and one side is devoted to... this. It almost looks like I know what I'm doing! It's nice to have room to experiment and play, without worrying about it taking over bits and pieces of my whole living quarters. Downfall: Much less walk-by-arting going on.

3. For some unknown reason [our theory ties in to ridding living quarters of the scents of memories as a way of moving on emotionally, if you know what I mean] Miss Maow and Bill are actually--mostly--getting along. We even caught them cuddling the other day. She's practically had a personality makeover: she cuddles, she purrs, she talks, she plays... like she used to.

4. Cabinets. Cabinets and drawers, everywhere! Can you say linen closet? Towels, sheets, pillowcases, and even two  comforters fit! It's so nice. Oh, and Maow fits too.

5. There are two bathrooms. And the upstairs bathroom has a for-real medicine cabinet [behind the mirror style]. However, Bill has not yet mastered its usage, as he lacks opposable thumbs.

6. My plants--and Miss Maow--can finally get some sun! And without me running them inside and out every day, or worrying about them being 'cold' at night. Our kitchen has a 'planter window,' and so does the upstairs bathroom. 

7. Hanging the Ivy in the mud room--we have a mud room! With French doors, even!--has done wonders, and it is growing quite quickly with much less fuss. Hopefully it will thicken up, too.

8. All my clothes fit in my closet. Well, mostly in. Not including shoes. Okay, look, this is like huge progress for me, capicce? And Miss Maow has a nice soft cuddle spot, too.

9. We have side-by-side closets. They are somewhat organized. And/or, the upstairs might as well be a seperate studio apartment. It is HUGE. As in, don't-know-what-to-do-with-extra-space kind of thing. Not enough furniture, haha. I've never had a problem with having too much space, I've always had too much stuff!

10. Okay, the stairs are meh to me, could do without them honestly, but, the fact that our stairs are littered with kitties... always a bonus. Plus, for stairs, they are pretty comfy. Very wide and the perfect steep-ness... stepth?... or however you'd want to describe that.

Okay, usually lists are ten items long, but here's a bonus picture because it's just too cute. It strikes a super-deep chord with me, sort of nostalgia, because I grew up with a giant, black Great Dane named Scoby... and Scoby used to sit like this on the couch/floor. So the fact that Bill does this all the time--when he's not taking up a whole step to make you trip--just melts my heart.

[sigh of relief]

Say it with me now kids,

"Ahhhhhhhhh."

Nice, huh?

One of the best quotables I have ever heard came at the close of my yoga class. I'm paraphrasing here, but, our sweetheart of an instructor tells us, "I used to think that letting go was a bad thing. Until one day, someone explained it to me in the right way--Letting go is just another way of making room for the right thing." Okay, I really screwed it up this time, but you get the point. Suffice to say... for the second time in less than six months, I am having to let go of something. This time I am much more eager to let go, and I do truly believe it will be for the better. The last time it was scary; and don't get me wrong I am still terrified of this one, but I have a lot more confidence this time around. 

Remember my couple posts about how the military measures body fat wrong? How pear-shaped girls are at a major disadvantage? Well, as I expected, I failed my weigh-in again. That's my third strike on weight, so I'll be getting administratively discharged eventually. The conflict comes in because with my diagnosis of Fibromyalgia, I should have actually gotten a medical board started--basically, a medical discharge, because FMS is a disqualifying condition. Of course, the military is just as corrupt as any Mafia in films... they're going to try to save some money instead of taking care of a former servicemember. They're going to push for the admin discharge, of course, but they are underestimating me. I've still got some fight in me yet, and unfortunately for them, I'm a smart cookie. I can do research. I have been up to my eyeballs in regulations and instructions regarding both of these issues. My conclusion is this: One way or another, I will be out of the military in a couple months. I'd prefer it to be on medical grounds, but it looks like even if they push the admin discharge, I might have a fighting chance at making the medical stick. And if not, it should still count as an honorable discharge, which means HELLOOOOOO, GI BILL. Mama's goin back to school! I've also already gotten one voicemail about a telecommunications job, which is basically what I've been doing in the military. 

I'm very excited to be a civilian again and have my freedom back. I'm looking forward to taking a bit of time off to square things away--like getting my whole house cleaned up, relaxing and taking care of myself, things like that. I'm also already thinking about petty things like how I'm going to dye my hair and what piercings I can get while still remaining employable. I'm not going to say the military hasn't changed me. And I'm not going to imply that some of it hasn't been for the better. But the ways in which it has changed me... Well, I'm not really getting the opportunity to work on those things in a way that benefits me. Like running and doing yoga, de-stressing, meditating, things of that nature. Self Care. Life is all about self-care, and really all the military is doing is wearing me down. Things are certainly easier since the 160 lb rock was lifted off my shoulders and I have someone to walk beside me instead, but as I've found the past couple of weeks, I can't blame that rock for all my stress and misery. Cutting him out of my life was a big first step, and it helped a lot, but it wasn't the total cure. Now that the weigh-in's are over, and I have relief, I'm not starving myself and beating myself up mentally for every calorie I consume... I feel a million times better. Sure I still have a fight on my hands, and I still have to play the game until I get out officially; but seriously, my emotional state is much better now. 

In other news, last night we went to go see MSI in Seattle. And since I know someone in particular is going to read this, pardon the change in context.... 

I seriously cannot express verbally how much it meant to me to have you by my side. I know that wasn't probably great for you, but I appreciate how much effort you put in to showing me you care. I can only guess at how last night affected you, but I really had a great time and I hope it wasn't too bad for you too. Seriously. You know I am always amazed by the contrast between what my life has become and the life I had before, and that was just one more illustration of it. Words are important, but so are actions. Always & forever. 

Crafting and plants have somewhat fallen by the wayside with me trying to do so much research and fitness, just trying to scrape by, but I expect soon I'll be picking them back up. In ironic news, as soon as my car was completely paid off--a seven year feat with the killing blow landed by my Karma--it starts crapping out! No kidding, out of the blue my CD player stopped working. And of course there's lots of maintenance that needs doing... but it may mean replacing a lot of parts. Tires, breaks, tuneup are all top of the list. But anyways. I do believe I've run out of things to say......

A 'Grey-n' of Truth

Preface: I'm going to be very vague here, because a ton of [real professionals] have done actual research and said things much more eloquently than I have... I am tired, stressed, and sort of derp-ing. But I was thinking a while ago, and I'm trying to do this thing where I capitalize on thoughts by actually expressing them. Novel idea, huh?

How many times have you heard that old cliche, "Money can't buy Happiness," and just had it sit wrong with you? Well, there has been a lot off study into the field of Happiness in the past couple years, and of course Happiness and Self-Actualization are linked. Point being, there's a grain of truth to the old adage, but it's not as black-and-white as people make it out to be. There's shades of grey, like everything else in life.

Anyways, if you aren't familiar with Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, it's pretty simple and logical, and I haven't ever really heard any other arguments or alternatives. Don't correct me if I'm wrong--yes, I'm looking at you, Mr. Flagg and Mr. UW-Physics Guy.

So, I mean, it's pretty self-explanatory. You have to have a solid foundation in life, and you can't progress to the next stage until the level below you is stable. Most people get stuck around the Esteem level, but I know some people get stuck even as low as the Safety level--especially these days with the economy and yada yada yada. Not going to sit here and beat dead horses and twist the knife in everyone's hearts, but it's the truth of our world. Bad ish happens to decent people. 

So wait, I started this whole post by talking about Money. How does this tie in? Well if you can't see it completely, let me sum it up for you. Especially these days, we get beat over the head with two conflicting mantras--depending on factors like your family and upbringing of course. The first is, "GO! Make money! Be successful!! This is America and success equals happiness!" The second is a more stereotypically Eastern or Buddhist type view of, "Money is worthless and you should be concerned not with physical objects but with personal goodness." Again, I'm paraphrasing and super-skimming here. As always, the truth lies in the middle somewhere.

My theory is this: Money is a Tool. An agent. Money itself won't "buy happiness," but it can be a factor in the amount of your happiness. If you can't make ends meet and have bill collectors calling and going hungry, yeah, it's going to be a lot more difficult to be "happy." Conversely, if you have all the money in the world and just sit on it, then of course you won't be happy either. There are many TED talks and recent studies that back me up here. I think it was in the film 'Happy' where they theorize that--for modern Americans--an average income of around $40,000 a year is how much it "costs" to be "happy." Point being, anything above that only results in diminishing returns--more money doesn't equal more happiness. But, if you refer back to Maslow's Hierarchy; how, in today's society, are you going to manage health, sustenance, water, sleep, etc., without a certain amount of money? That is why we have a thing they call the "poverty line." The relationship between money and happiness is not linear, but [and again, don't correct me here and now if I'm wrong] logarithmic. See?

So, why am I rambling and ranting on about this now? Well, I've recently stumbled into a great deal of happiness. The real kind, the type that money can't buy. Although my personal finances mostly maintained, or got maybe a little tighter, my environment and reality vastly improved. And for some reason, I have this irrational fear that people [especially the ones important to me] will misjudge my intentions and emotions. So I strive really hard--and probably overcompensate--to prove that as a whole, money isn't really important to me. With that being said. I am about to be a part of a two-income household for the first time since 2011. And I can hardly explain how much stress this concept takes away from my daily life. There are so many less things [that's a terrible phrase] for me to worry about. On the graph above, I would have been hovering right around 'Survival.' Now, we are about to hop on up to 'Comforts.' But, since we both tend to have fairly simple and straightforward wants, for us, 'Comforts' and 'Luxuries' are placed a lot closer together, if not synonymous. So I was working on a combined budget earlier, and for the first time, it was comforting. It didn't cause me more stress than ignoring my finances. There is hope, and together, we got this. But at the same time, whatever little voice someone long ago planted in my head... I feel the need to reassure both of us that yes, that will all be nice, fine and dandy like sour candy... but truth is, it's all just icing and candles on the cake. It's not even the desert, and it's sure as hell not the entree. It's like, an afterthought for me. Sure it's on my mind a bit more than usual right now, but that's because my life is gradually changing quite a bit. I'm working on that blue triangle, but stalled out dealing with the green bar. With the support I have now... Maybe I'll get there. 

Parting thought: I don't think I expressed my conclusion as well as I'd like to. Here is the truth. 

And life is just a goal of building your niche after laying ^^^ THIS ^^^ foundation.
I thought I had it. But turns out I built my foundation on a swamp of lies and the house had to sink halfway to the second floor before I decided to climb out the window, escape, and rebuild. Now, I'm building on rocks. It won't be a mansion by any stretch... but it will be comfortable, and stable. Which is more than I can say I've ever had before. I am very excited and very much looking forward to the future. 

To my karma... remember, apparently "we deserve each other." 

xoxoxo

Outer Peace

For the past couple months, "sleeping in" on the weekends means waking up around 7 or 8 am and lounging in bed for a few hours, mucking about the internet and cuddling. Although I always loved sleeping in--sometimes I would sleep well into the afternoon--it wasn't really healthy for me. I get a little irritated now that  7 am on Saturday rolls around and I'm wide awake... but as I sit here in a cuteness sandwich, surrounded on all sides by beings that absolutely adore me, I am very glad and thankful that I am awake to appreciate it. My kitten is non-stop cuddles and purrs, and she is adorable. My new additions are resting and also adorable and cuddly. My home is now a place of happiness and comfort, and it is AWESOME. I never knew what I was missing. I didn't know life could be this way, and I am very happy to be able to experience this. Even though it took some trying times to reach this point, I have had some great milestones along the way, including meeting some wonderful new people. I probably should be 'using this quiet time efficiently' and getting some things done around the house, but I think I'll just enjoy this a little more.

In other news, I am insanely excited for some upcoming prospects... Long story short, in the near-ish future [the foreseable year] I will likely be moving into a large house with amazing people. And the plus is, we won't be renting. So this blog will erupt with my exploits into renovation and DIY wonderfulness. Stay Tuned.