Monday, March 24, 2014

A $20 Bill for Two Cents That No One Asked For.

"...should a person continue to be “fun and zesty” when their partner stops showing them love, attention, respect? Should a person consistently lay aside their personal needs to maintain a “FUN AND ZESTY” front so that their partner isn’t driven to cheating out of boredom? It takes two people to allow a relationship to grow “stale and monotonous,” and rather than running out for a replacement piece, why not focus your efforts on rebuilding the half that you let disintegrate?"
--Kate, as published on Thought Catalog

I am so frustrated right now that I don't even know where to start.  This hit so close to home that it's really hard for me to turn my back on it. The rage is growing. It's not in my head though, it's more of a body rage. I guess I'm starting to be able to separate emotional thinking and logical thinking a lot better than I used to. Emotionally I am furious. Logically, rationally, I know there is no point in letting this get to me. But also, I am feeling a little bit of self-loathing at the moment because I'm fighting The Blerch today and very much losing. I know I should run. I know I should find out where the gym is and go torture myself for hours. I need to. I have a deadline. But there's some self-defeating core inside of me that thinks, "Nah, you'll be okay. Besides, to hell with it, if you fail the weighin, you'll get out of the military and still get your GI bill because it's been over three years." I hate to justify things like this, but... I really don't want to run. And I hate dieting. Being so concerned with my weight because I have to sucks all enjoyment out of anything physical. I have such a rebellious nature that I'm more likely to stuff myself with fried anything and cheesecake until the weigh ins than do the 'right' thing just because it pisses me off that the demand is coming from an outside source.

Anyways, that was a helluva tangent. But I've got these two topics swirling around my head and intermingling and I'm frustrated with the world and fed up with myself, and usually when I start feeling that way the best thing I can do is take a nap. Or smoke and eat chocolate. The above article, and that quote in particular, means way more to me than it should. I need to stop and focus on the good things in my life right now. Must remember.
"I used to think that letting go meant losing something. But one day it was explained to me, that letting go just means making space for better things."
I miss my Karma. But I'll be home soon enough. And home is a good place to be now.  

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