Monday, October 15, 2012

Another Day, Another Disappointment

This was originally going to be a somewhat jovial post including an exchange between myself and my boss a few weeks back. It was humorous; he managed to compare me to a trebuchet in an almost completely serious way. This pleased me greatly.

However, I did an unofficial measurement today for Fat Camp. [It’s not lookin’ good, Bob, back to you for the story.]
Thanks, Chuck. Over the past 2 or 3 weeks, I have lost an inch. Unfortunately, that inch is split evenly between my neck and my waist. Now, the formula used to determine if you are actually a fat-ass or not [for females] is this:

hips + waist – neck = total  = body fat percentage vs. height

So. At a whopping 5’3” tall, mine looks like this:

44 + 29.5 – 13.5 = 60 = >35% body fat

Now for those of you who don’t know, I’ve already screwed up twice so I’m on thin ice. If I don’t get under 32% body fat, I will be, shall we say, forcibly excused from my contract with the service. So I have to get down to a “57”, which means losing 3 inches in any combination… unless it’s from my neck. Apparently I need to grow jowls.  

Here’s the problem with this arbitrary and archaic system of judging people’s physiques. I am extremely pear shaped, to put it nicely. I’m quite literally built like a cartoon. I am not “fat.” However, this means jack shit to anybody. Genetics? P’shaw. I have been going to the gym and dieting and have toned up most of my major muscle groups quite nicely and quite quickly. However. None of this really does me any good because of this stupid math equation.

Imagine, if you will, the following scenario. Look, I am so serious about this I even drew you a lovely illustration using MS Paint. Hey man, resources are limited. And apparently I don’t believe in legs or arms. They’re overrated anyways.
Me:       13” neck
34-36” bust
            29” waist
            44” hips

Right, so I’m kind of built like Jessica Rabbit, except five feet tall. Everything looks normal until you get down to the random badonk-a-donk… Anyways, because of my slimmer-in-comparison upper body, I am screwed.
Remember, 29 + 44 –13 = 60 = fat

Theoretical Fat Girl:        16” neck
                                    38” bust
                                    35” waist
                                    38” hips

So, this pretend girl would be built like an apple with several double chins. You know, where she has no curves at all; I would imagine this is what that 90s rapper would consider a “brick… houuuuse…” in my head. However, comma, 35 + 38 – 16 = 57 . Assuming this imaginary girl is also 5’3”, she would be within body fat standards. Yet when it comes down to it, who is more fit? Probably me. Who has more or less actual body fat? The world may never know.

Oh wait, just kidding, there’s like four other ways to measure body fat. All of which are far more accurate!!

Sigh. This is the problem. While I may be more aesthetically pleasing to some, “Honey, I like you the way you are” don’t pay my bills. And apparently spending 3 hours at the gym every day just affords me more of the same.

No comments:

Post a Comment